not language but a map

What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, because this shit, y’all, can we not. 

• There are words for people that look 100% perfect 100% of the time and those words are “a picture” or “a statue” or “a RealDoll.” Live action human people sleep and shower and shit, bleed on their favorite shirts, get violent stomach flus, wake up sometimes looking like creatures from the black lagoon! Accidentally get caught in rainstorms and have to walk around looking half-drowned for the rest of the day! Don’t notice they’ve got food on their face for hours on end! If you’re ever thinking to yourself, “That person has a choice between two girls, one who is utterly physically perfect in every way always and one who is not,” or, in fact, “I have a choice between two girls, one who is utterly physically perfect in every way always and one who is not,” don’t worry, that thought is totally wrong, because “being utterly physically perfect in every way always” and “being alive” are mutually exclusive. NEITHER CAN THING WHILE THE OTHER ETC.
• If the distilled-down theory here is “Only people who look one specific way — you know, like the people in TV and movies — are attractive and everyone else will be alone forever,” then lemme tell you what, there is a handy way to fact check that. It is called “Getting up and going to any populated location anywhere,” and here is what you will discover: regular-ass looking people who are holding hands or kissing or otherwise spending romantic time with each other. Married regular-ass looking people! Regular-ass looking people who’ve had at least enough sex to produce a couple of regular-ass looking kids! This is reality. Average looking people of average size and weight are the average; that’s what that means. Let this one go. (Other things you can find in television/movies that aren’t remotely in touch with reality: time travel! Space aliens! Versions of New York City where everyone is white! Glenn Beck! Seriously, stop trusting your worldviews to these constructs, you are putting them in terrible hands.)
• PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS TO BE FED UP OF GUYS SAYING “ALL GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL”: because it’s sort of like saying “girls are valuable because they’re beautiful but not for any other reason” and that is the ideological equivalent of that jar of pickles that everyone has in their fridge that they sort of think they must have bought recently but is in fact from some horrifyingly long time ago, like 1987, and what it’s actually full of is hideously rotten poisonous garbage; because it’s not actually true, ugly people exist, it’s okay, people’s physical looks are not an indicator of their value; because in my experience saying “all girls are beautiful” pretty much always makes dudes seem like odious drippy sycophantic douchecanoes who reach into their buckets o’ platitudes — an unnecessary and vaguely embarrassing thing to say for all occasions! — at every turn, and that’s a bummer. 
• I’m not a dude, but I do when the opportunity presents itself fuck ladies, and I have no idea which girl I’d pick in this example! That’s because this example takes two conceptual girlbodies with no personality features and pits them against each other in a contest that is in fact nonsensical, since attraction is a thing with layers and emotions and stuff involved, and you couldn’t so much as decide on lunch this way, with only topical descriptions and no discussion of what was within. Seriously, I’ll show you: you have a choice between two sandwiches, and one of them is small and square and highly stacked with a red toothpick in the middle, and the other is big and wide and cut into triangles with a green toothpick holding it together. Which are you going to pick? Exactly. 

(Source: vintage-tumblah, via consulting-merthur-in-the-tardis)

thefrogman:

[reddit]

(Source: rightclicksaveas, via drinkmasturbatecry)

in case you’ve ever thought to yourself “i wonder what would happen if i stuck a bottle of white wine in the freezer for the sake of chilling it rapidly before guests arrived and then forget it was in there for six hours,” never fear, i have accidentally answered that question for all of us