…i decided to write another shortcut story? I DON’T WHY THESE THINGS COME AND GO LIKE THIS, I REALLY DON’T, I KNOW I AM CONFUSING AND UNRELIABLE AT BEST. there could be more! or there could be…no more…i don’t know, these things have been and shall remain “shit i am writing on a whim,” i have no explanation for myself.
(for those of you who weren’t around when these started, er, shortcut stories are these stories about…tony stark and steve rogers and their son jaime, which i write in….stream of consciousness grammar-free fits of typing? you can find the rest of them in the shortcut stories tag :D)
ANYWAY, ABOUT THIS ONE TIME THE AVENGERS HAD TO TEACH JAIME TO DRIVE:
okay, so the first thing that happens is that jaime turns fourteen, and tony is like, TIME TO LEARN TO DRIVE, SON. unfortunately for jaime, he says this in front of steve and pepper, and steve is like, “um, tony, we did not talk about this,” at the same time pepper is like, “TONY, THEY DO NOT GIVE LEARNER’S PERMITS TO FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS.”
and this is why, when jaime is fourteen years and two days old, tony takes him down to the garage, puts him in the driver’s seat of his third-favorite porsche, and is like, “well, your father said i cannot teach you to drive, but i can teach you *the basics* of driving.”
the basics of driving, according to tony stark:
- music. LOUD.
- speed. LOTS.
- no really that’s pretty much it
luckily for jaime’s like, continued health and safety, he is steve’s son as much as tony’s, and also he has actually been in a car driven by tony before, an experience he classifies to his friends as “harrowing,” “death-defying,” and “seriously way less comfortable than being carried around by the iron man suit.” so he just kind of smiles and nods and turns the music down when tony is not paying attention, because jaime at fourteen has a healthy appreciation for volume but an equally healthy appreciation for the fact that tony is, at fifty-something, going slightly deaf from his insistence on listening to heavy metal at top volume for fifty-something years. tony leaves him to “sit in the car and think about the open road” when they are done, and jaime is at least 50% sure that his dad actually wants him to try some sort of teenage rebellion thing and attempt to drive it, since a) jarvis would never actually let him get out of the garage or hurt himself and b) he’s totally looking for an excuse to overhaul this porsche. so he just goes upstairs, because honestly, where is the fun in teenage rebellion if his parents actually WANT him to rebel, what the fuck.
(in reality, tony is not actually as bad a parent as he appears, and in fact staged this entire thing to KEEP jaime from pulling the sort of teenage rebellion that would ACTUALLY hurt him, since he knows from experience that the kid is in a contrary phase and will behave well if he thinks tony wants him to behave badly, but i digress.)
so, fast forward to jaime’s sixteenth birthday (true facts: i had to google when you can get a learner’s permit in new york state, since i remembered vaguely from being fifteen and a half that it’s different state to state, and DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SEVEN STATES IN THE US WHERE YOU CAN GET A LEARNER’S PERMIT YOUNGER THAN 15, WHY COULD I NOT HAVE GROWN UP IN ANY OF THEM). at sixteen, jaime is considerably less contrary and much more inclined towards learning to drive, since most of his friends are older than him and have either their permits or their actual licenses, the bastards.
he figures learning from tony will produce dangerous results and learning from steve will involve learning to get out at crosswalks and help people carrying groceries, which steve has done ten times since jaime got old enough to be embarrassed by it. thus, he asks clint for help first.
this turns out to be a mistake.
first problem: when he gets into the honda civic that tony said he “bought because i always wanted one, steve, god, don’t look at me like that, i wouldn’t buy the kid a car without asking you first, incidentally did you know the safety ratings are great on that thing and also i made some upgrades that’ll help him a lot when he learns to drive on it, NOT THAT I BOUGHT IT FOR HIM OR ANYTHING AT ALL,” clint is in the passenger seat, and thor is in the backseat.
“um,” says jaime, “what?”
“i have been told that you are learning to drive, young shortcut,” thor tells him solemnly. “i thought that i, too, might learn this noble midgardian art.”
“but you’re….not in the driver’s seat,” says jaime.
“clint informs me that driving from the backseat is a task for which i will be well-suited!” thor tells him cheerfully. at this point, clint cracks up. the afternoon does not improve from there.
the basic rules of driving, according to clint barton:
- you brake for hot dog stands
- JAIME I SAID BRAKE FOR THE HOT DOG STAND
- if you’re driving in front of someone who looks annoying in your rearview mirror, you should put your turn signal on and just leave it on, that’ll drive ‘em CRAZY
- under absolutely no circumstances should the radio drift away from the country station
- stop signs? suggestions.
the basic rules of backseat driving, as learned on the fly by thor:
- young shortcut, i strongly advise that you bypass the hot dog stand, for that substance being heaped upon them looks most foul
- BRAKE NOT, YOUNG SHORTCUT, FOR THAT WHICH CLINTON CLAIMS IS CHILI MAY WELL DAMAGE THINE SENSITIVE MIDGARDIAN STOMACH
- whyfore have you chosen the option that produces blinking on the left side of the car? surely he who drives behind us will be more irritated by blinking on the right
- this music is most lively! INCREASE THE VOLUME, YOUNG SHORTCUT, THAT I MAY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT SPACE THIS BACKSEAT POSSESSES TO MAKE MOST MERRY WITH DANCE
- i, too, believe these signs of stoppage to be unnecessary. true warriors drive on, and crush all obstacles in their paths!
“all of manhattan is in danger,” jaime informs steve wearily upon returning home, and then has to very awkwardly explain what he meant after steve yells ASSEMBLE and everybody turns up in costume. it’s a bad day.
so then, right, steve is like, I WILL TEACH YOU TO DRIVE. unfortunately for jaime, steve has kind of A Thing about people he loves dying, and an equally large Thing about jaime, specifically, dying or being in danger in any way.
thus, the rules of driving according to steve rogers:
- NOT SO FAST
- THAT WAS NOT A COMPLETE STOP
- ARE YOU SURE YOUR SEATBELT IS ON
- NOT SO FAST
next, jaime goes to bruce.
the rules of driving, according to bruce banner:
- i am not getting in a honda civic with a teenager learning to drive
- no, kid, seriously, i would love to, i really would, i promise i’ll come for a ride-along when you get good, but it’s too risky
- jaime, i do not care what your father tells you, if you hit a tree with me in the passenger seat it’s even odds that Himself will make an appearance
- but, if you’re asking for advice, please don’t drive like either one of your fathers
so this is how jaime ends up learning to drive from natasha, who he would have just asked in the first place, but she and pepper live in LA half the time and she wasn’t around when he got his learners permit. after having tried with the other avengers, he decided it was BETTER TO JUST WAIT FOR HER.
the rules of driving, according to natasha romanov:
- always be aware of your surroundings; this is what your mirrors are for. no, it’s not just the road in front of you that’s important—jaime! i said use the mirrors! traffic changes!
- both hands on the wheel at all times until you’ve been doing this at least a year.
- the blind spot is not a joke. check. it.
- if there’s a car that seems like it is following you, monitor until you’ve determined whether their buffer car is in on it or not, then stay on main roads and call one of us and give us the plate numbers
- crown victorias are almost always undercover cops.
AND THUS, HOW JAIME ROGERS-STARK LEARNED TO DRIVE.