- IN THE EVENT OF AN ACTUAL APOCALYPTIC SITUATION, ASSUME THAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE GOING TO STOP WORKING: running water (this includes toilets); anything that relies on electricity (this includes gas pumps); anything that relies on natural gas lines (this includes gas stoves/central heat); basically, anything that relies on there being a factory of some variety at the other end of thing you want to make do stuff. THAT’S ALL GONNA BREAK. THIS INCLUDES THE INTERNET. Thus, the most important thing to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse is:
- RESEARCH. For as long as you possess the internet, do everything you can to learn as much as possible. Research edible/medicinal plants (or seriously, go into a bookstore and loot your shit a guidebook, they’re not large, they sell little tiny ones, you can put it in your pocket, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE NOT DO THIS). Research, from available information, how the zombies work/which of their senses are functional—for example, if they operate largely by smell, you want to work on smelling not alive. If they operate largely by sight, DON’T LIGHT FIRES AT NIGHT. And speaking of fires…
- LEARN TO START A FIRE WITHOUT A LIGHTER, IT ISN’T HARD. Seriously, you can do it with flint and a striker thing that’ll fit in a pocket; you can do it with a magnifying glass. Even if it’s summer, you need to learn to do this—if nothing else, you’re going to need fire to boil your water.
- BOIL YOUR FUCKING WATER. ALL OF IT. GOT IT FROM A STREAM? BOIL IT. GOT IT FROM A BRITTA FILTER PITCHER IN SOMEBODY’S FRIDGE? BOIL IT. GOT IT FROM A BOTTLE? BOIL THAT SHIT. YOU NOW LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE MOST OF HUMANITY HAS FALLEN VICTIM TO A MASS-TRANSMITTED VIRUS; DON’T TRUST THE WATER SUPPLY! BOIL ALL THE GODDAMN WATER. Carry a canteen in which you can put that water. Once it is boiled. And a separate, clearly marked canteen in which to carry unboiled water. DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS. Oh, and speaking of the boiling process:
- DO NOT BANK A FIRE WITH WATER, THAT SHIT IS PRECIOUS AND ALSO WILL PRODUCE STEAM. Dirt, motherfucker. Smother that shit with dirt.
- Hair: cut that shit off your damn head. Seriously. Down to tufts. If you’re in a warm environment shave all of that shit off. Don’t put it in a ponytail! Don’t leave it long around your face! REMOVE IT, and be thankful when a zombie doesn’t drag you to your death by it. Cut your nails, too, and keep ‘em short for reasons of zombie gunk. DON’T FUCKING BITE THEM JESUS.
- Clothes: leather, leather, leather. Tough and durable, keeps you warm, HARD TO BITE THROUGH. Take two coats or jackets, one leather and one padded, to double up as a blanket if you’re sleeping somewhere cold. Boots are obviously a must, and the higher they go up your calves the better. None of the following: scarves, bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings or any other piercings. Scarves can be grabbed, as can necklaces, and the rest make noise, can get caught on things, or both. The goal is to be silent, warm, and difficult to grab ahold of.
- DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THE ZOMBIES JESUS CHRIST
- No, really, do not touch the fucking zombies unless it’s life or death. Not even if they’re ‘dead.’ They are literally infection-ridden walking fucking corpses, do you want that shit on your hands? If at all possible, wear leather gloves at all times, and if you get zombie guts on you rip all your clothes off, hose yourself down, cover yourself in disinfectant and burn fucking everything. That is absolute rule number one: you get bits of them on bits of you, and you’re a dead man walking.
- Here is what you will reliably have in your house that you should take with you, BUT ONLY FUCKING THIS NO FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHS WALKING DEAD WHAT EVEN ARE YOU: matches, a spare pair of shoes, three to five pairs of socks, a kitchen knife to wear in your belt, a dark coloured-hat, batteries, several cans of food and bottled water (put the water in something if you don’t have pre-existing bottled water), toilet paper (gold-dust), a blanket, pain killers, bandages and/or sticking plasters, toothpaste and a toothbrush (you think there’s going to be dentists in this brave new world?), a screwdriver, a torch, and, if possible, any prescribed medication of any kind. Here’s how it goes: you leave, and you stay gone. ONE CHANCE AND THAT’S IT. YOU SHOVE ALL THAT SHIT IN A RUCKSACK AND YOU DO NOT COME BACK FOR ANY REASON.
- While you are in the process of getting out of town in the early outbreak, when some of your shit is still working, FIND A BIG MOTHERFUCKING TRUCK, USE IT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE, AND MOW THOSE BASTARD ZOMBIES DOWN. But once you are clear of that immediate rush, you must:
- Find a motorcycle and learn to drive that shit. DON’T TELL ME THAT WILL TAKE TOO LONG, DON’T TELL ME IT’S TOO DANGEROUS, IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, WHAT, DO YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE? Don’t drive a car, because gas pumps are gonna stop working. Motorcycles take less gas than cars; you can position a motorcycle more easily next to abandoned cars to siphon gas from them; motorcycles are going to be more likely to run on the gas some people keep in their garages for their lawnmowers. If you can’t find a motorcycle, find a fucking pedal bike, and pedal that shit until you find a motorcycle.
- WEAPONS. If you know how to use it, TAKE THAT SHIT WITH YOU. If you don’t know how to use it, either learn quick or LEAVE THAT SHIT BEHIND. A weapon your shit does not know how to handle is more likely to kill you than the undead, period. AXES, SWORDS AND CROSSBOWS ARE BETTER THAN GUNS. GUNS RUN OUT OF BULLETS, BLADES DON’T, AND CROSSBOW BARBS ARE RE-USABLE. (BUT CLEAN THAT SHIT IN FUCKING IODINE AND ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES.) Oh, and the weapons you DO know how to use, you keep on you at all times. YOU NEVER PUT THEM DOWN. THERE IS NEVER A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE THAT SHIT BEHIND.
- Food: remember how we said about the pocket guide to edible plants and shit? EDIBLE PLANTS AND SHIT ARE YOUR FRIEND. Perishable food p e r i s h e s. And canned shit is also your friend, but you gotta be careful there, too—even if it’s got a long sell-by date (big plus), DO YOUR FUCKING UTMOST TO MAKE SURE THAT SHIT WAS PACKAGED BEFORE THE GODDAMN ZOMBIE OUTBREAK JESUS CHRIST. Places that sell off-brand or cheap stuff, stuff that has probably been sitting around for a WHILE (Aldi, Cost-Co, Sam’s Club, etc etc): those places are also your friends.
- Oh, hey, speaking of friends: DON’T FUCKING TRUST PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW. TO REPEAT: DON’T FUCKING TRUST PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW. People whose reactions you can’t predict? Are not people you want watching your back. You’re more likely to survive with people who you already know you can trust, and people can be just as scary as zombies at the end of the world. (Zombies, after all, can only kill you.) If you have no choice, and everyone you love is dead, go for people who are supposed to be able to handle crises: soldiers, doctors, cops. People who know how to handle guns or how medicine works are going to be survival tickets in this world, so you stick to them as close as you fucking can. But don’t trust them. If everyone you love is dead, it’s a pretty safe bet that your survival depends on NEVER EVER TRUSTING ANYONE. NEVER. DON’T DO IT. And don’t take anyone’s orders if you don’t agree with them, either: THIS IS THE ZOMBIE GODDAMN APOCALYPSE. AUTHORITY IS FOR YESTERDAY.
- If someone gets bitten? Yeah, dude, THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS DEAD. Check that it was really a bite before you kill that shit, because non-zombies are a dwindling resource, but once you’re sure, YOU SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD. We do not care if they were your best friend or your star-crossed lover or your beloved family member: NOW THEY ARE A ZOMBIE. Shoot that shit, burn the body, and for god’s sake don’t stick around and breathe in the damn fumes from the burning of the body. Don’t burn it by a water supply, either.
- Don’t go into a building if you DON’T KNOW WHERE ALL THE EXITS ARE, GODDAMN. Don’t stay in a building you haven’t barricaded, don’t barricade a building without knowing how to get through your own barricades, DON’T FORGET TO CHECK THE BASEMENT/ATTIC/BACKYARD/BARN/GARAGE. If you have to, when the electricity stops working, open every goddamn door and wait. Don’t go in anywhere if you can’t see your hand in front of you face. If you’re with people, have them UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS, AND WITH EYES ON EVERY SIDE OF THE BUILDING. If you’re alone, what the fuck are you doing planning on staying in a building for extended periods of time; find your shit a tree with a good vantage point or a goddamn reinforced hole in the ground. NEVER ASSUME YOU’RE SAFE.
- NO FUCKING PETS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
- Find some shit that makes you feel human that does not impair your senses, slow you down, or make a fuck ton of noise. Remembering your humanity is AWESOME; getting drunk, getting high, or PRODUCING LOUD MUSIC is a fucking death sentence. Read some shit. Do some motherfucking zombie apocalypse yoga. Learn to find release in toning your body; people manage that shit now minus the shrieking fear of constant death on the horizon, YOU CAN LEARN TO DO IT TO.
- For. The. Love. Of. God. If you are being chased, in a building, by a zombie or a human who feels like killing you even minus zombie juice, do not run UP the motherfucking goddamn stairs. DO NOT. EVER. RUN UP THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN STAIRS. YOU CAN’T GET OUT THAT WAY, PAL. SHUT THE PANIC DOWN AND FIND YOUR SHIT A DOOR.
As a special bonus, HERE IS THE SHIT YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAW IT IN ZOMBIE MEDIA:
- COVER YOURSELF IN ZOMBIE MEAT TO TRICK THE ZOMBIES. THAT SHIT IS INFECTED AND YOU ARE WEARING IT. HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU? NO. KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.
- TAKE PITY ON A ZOMBIE BABY. TAKE PITY ON A ZOMBIE ANYTHING.
- HEY, GUESS WHAT? IF A ZOMBIE IS LEARNING TO TALK, THAT’S A ZOMBIE YOU NEED TO FUCKING KILL RIGHT NOW.
- LIE ABOUT BEING BITTEN. DUDE, YOU’RE DEAD. THERE IS ONLY ONE OUTCOME HERE. STOP BEING A DICK AND COP TO IT. OR DO YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOU? THIS WAY YOU GET A MUCH NICER DEATH, COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT.
- HANDCUFF SOMEONE TO A ROOF AND LEAVE THEM THERE TO GET EATEN. NOPE! NOR DO YOU RIDE A HORSE, (WHAT DO YOU THINK ZOMBIES EAT), OR GO BACK INTO POPULATED URBAN CENTRES, OR NOT KILL ZOMBIES TO KEEP YOUR HOSTS HAPPY. (THANKS, WALKING DEAD, FOR TEACHING US WHAT NOT TO DO.)
- MAKE TROPHIES OUT OF ZOMBIE BITS! GODDAMNIT WHAT EVEN IS WRONG WITH YOU.
- APOLOGIZE TO A ZOMBIE FOR KILLING IT. THIS IS NOT A LIFETIME MOVIE. JUST. DUDE. NO.
We hope this has been helpful, and wish you the best of luck in any and all zombie apocalypses you may encounter!
Jizz and Postcard