oh my god
so i’m cleaning out my email inbox, right
and in my drafts folder
i find this email to postcard titled “emails i will be embarrassed about in the morning oh god” from like, fucking october of last year, WELL BEFORE THE AVENGERS CAME OUT which…really doesn’t make this better at all, actually, does it
and therein…was this. which i am sharing with you in case any of you have ever had any illusions about my being a functional member of adult society, in any way capable of managing my life, or actually good at this words thing. ALSO IT’S PRETTY FUNNY, especially because i have gained at least ten responsibility points since last october, and can, as such, laugh really hard at past me. because past me? DESERVES SOME LAUGHTER.
oh man, you guys. oh man.
SO
tonight i smoked because i had a migraine, thinking that was why i felt so rundown, and as it turns out, based on the way the weed is interacting with me, i am in fact QUITE ILL
and as a consequence am like….really high
higher than i ever get on purpose oh my god
AND THUS I HAD A TERRIBLE IDEA
it is so terrible but i know you will not judge me in the morning, and augh, i don’t even LIKE this kind of fic most of the time but it would just be STRAIGHT CRACK and SO FUNNY:
tony and steve as babies. oh god i can’t even believe i typed that sentence SELF JUDGEMENT SO HARD but hear me out:
like. okay. it’s pepper’s POV, and reed richards hits tony and steve with some kind of…i don’t know, plot-devicy de-aging ray….and then basically every time his name comes up for the whole fic someone is like, reed richards, THAT DICK
and tony and steve are asleep at first, while bucky and pepper and nick fury and natasha and clint and coulson all argue about what the fuck to DO about this, but then right before they wake up, pepper remembers from tony’s medical history/media history that tony was a HYPERACTIVE CHILD PRODIGY, and bucky remembers what steve was like as a kid
and sure enough they wake up and tony is building WORKING MODEL TRAIN SETS WITH BLOCKS to impress steve and steve is like, alternately running around showering people with affection and being like ARE YOU TRYING TO MESS WITH ME? I WILL FIGHT YOU, I DO NOT CARE THAT YOU ARE AN ADULT, I CAN TAKE YOU, I WILL FIGHT YOU
only, obviously, in kid-speak
hfdhfsjkfhs and at one point he is like I DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE BUCKY and then ten seconds later he’s like NO BUCKY I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN ITTTT and hugs him
and bucky is like, jesus, it’s like going back in time, he did this shit twice a week for like a YEAR
and then it turns out bucky and steve had some kind of hilarious awful little-kid-best-friend nicknames for each other when they were actually kids, like DOUBLE and MINT or something much better and considerably more horrifying
and bucky is like OH MY GOD WE NEVER NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT oh god steve i’m going to kill you, and natasha and fury and pepper and coulson are all badly trying to conceal laughter (clint’s not bothering with the concealment)
MEANWHILE TONY IS LIKE, RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES: pepper pepper pepper pepper look are you looking I NEED MORE BLOCKS coulson you suck I’M GONNA BUILD A PIRATE SHIP hi nick hi hi hi hi BUCKY STEVE DOESN’T LIKE YOU ANY MORE look i used the blocks and i made an elevator and it’s gonna lift me to the window HEY I CAN DO TENTH GRADE MATH clint you smell funny PEPPER I WANT APPLE JUICE
and then obviously they like
tell each other they love each other and are adorable and shit and everyone is like AHAHA OH HOW WE WILL TEASE THEM WHEN THEY WAKE UP
and then they wake up with no memory of it and are, as it turns out, already dating, and just hadn’t told anyone yet
and then someone uses the terrible steve-and-bucky nicknames and steve turns BRIGHT RED
and then the end.
CANNOT BELIEVE I AM HITTING SEND ON THIS EMAIL I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO SO SORRY
