in which nat brings out the sterek in me, part deux:

gyzym: WE LEFT OFF ON THEM KISSING FOR THE FIRST TIME, DID WE NOT

nat: YUP

nat: DEREK WORLD CHAMPION CUDDLER

gyzym: derek secret olympic cuddling gold medal winner

nat: and then kissing

gyzym: yes, okay, so

gyzym: they kiss, right, they have this moment where it feels like completely the right thing to do and derek’s surprised by how….not terrible it is

gyzym: because i think derek has had sex since kate?

gyzym: but in a very like

gyzym: I’M GOING TO HAVE SEX TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN HAVE SEX

gyzym: kind of way?

nat: BEEN THERE, DUDE

gyzym: ME TOO, MAN, ME TOO

nat: IT IS THE WORST

nat: I know you know how that is, but ugh DEREK man, I feel for you because that is not a happy place

gyzym: ugh, no, i know. and like, i will be straight-up about this, i’m drawn to writing this story for the same reason i was drawn to writing that clint/nat and it’s because like, writing fic that works a character through this shit is helpful to me as someone who has been through/is going through it?

gyzym: i mean obviously not the my family was burned alive in a fire business but you know what i mean, the trauma/sexual trauma thing, and i feel like it’s worth…i don’t know, being honest about why it’s helpful for me

gyzym: and i think in part it’s because writing it out is validating and in part it’s because it’s easier to look at in a distance capacity

nat: I can understand that

gyzym: and honestly, MOSTLY, it’s like

gyzym: hey

gyzym: at least knowing how some of this can go down in a brain

gyzym: IS USEFUL FOR SOMETHING

gyzym: but my point being

gyzym: derek’s had sex since kate

nat: yes

gyzym: in new york, maybe, assuming he was ever really there, since that ID has been confirmed by tptb as a fake

nat: I like to think he went as far from beacon hills as possible

gyzym: me too

nat: so NY makes sense to me

gyzym: INDEED

gyzym: although there is part of me that loves the idea of derek in like

gyzym: boston

gyzym: in the dead of winter

gyzym: glowering on a street corner with snow in his hair

nat: just freezing his cali ass of

nat: hahah

gyzym: but admittedly that’s probably because i have some like

gyzym: fire vs. ice derek feels

nat: I WILL NOT BUY A PARKA

gyzym: YOU KNOW HE WOULDN’T, TOO

nat: UNLESS IT IS LEATHER

gyzym: hfsdjkfhsdj oh my god

gyzym: derek in a leather parka

gyzym: oh my god and stiles just

gyzym: laughing

gyzym: hysterically

gyzym: he keeps almost getting it together and then choking on it again

nat: DEREK IS THAT A LEATHER PARKA

gyzym: WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND THAT DEREK

gyzym: HOW MANY COWS DIED

nat: WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION

nat: WHY DID YOU NOT BUY A NORMAL BLACK PARKA

nat: DO YOU HAVE A FETISH

gyzym: and derek’s like, OH, RIGHT, SAYS THE GUY WEARING SIX SWEATSHIRTS INSTEAD OF A REAL JACKET

nat: ….

nat: OH MY GOD

nat: THEN SOMEHOW THEY ARE BOTH INSIDE IT

gyzym: oh my god I PROMISE IF YOU LET ME TELL YOU THIS STORY IT WILL AT SOME POINT INCLUDE

gyzym: DEREK WRAPPING STILES UP INSIDE OF HIS JACKET

nat: HFJDKLHFJDKL

gyzym: THERE’S ONLY SO LONG I CAN FIGHT THAT TROPE

nat: YES

gyzym: AND IT’S NOT VERY LONG

nat: SORRY I AM DISTRACTING YOU

gyzym: NO YOU’RE FINE

nat: PLEASE CONTINUE

gyzym: okay so

gyzym: DEREK HAD SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE AFTER KATE, and part of me thinks he had a bunch of sex but most of me thinks he had sex like twice

gyzym: once with a guy he picked up at a club on his 18th birthday

gyzym: human, who smelled so much like nerves that derek didn’t worry about it

gyzym: that derek knew he had the upper hand (because, again, derek looks at the world that way now)

gyzym: and once with a woman who was kate’s physical antithesis in every way

gyzym: like three weeks after he and laura left town

gyzym: and i think both times

gyzym: it was AWFUL

gyzym: but not because the sex was awful

gyzym: but because when he kissed them he remembered kissing her, and what

gyzym: happened afterward

gyzym: because the thing is

gyzym: derek really thought

gyzym: he loved kate

gyzym: derek TRUSTED kate

gyzym: so he must have believed

gyzym: that it was the real deal

gyzym: so to a certain degree i think intimacy frightens him far more than sex does

gyzym: it’s just that he got his lines all tangled up

gyzym: and i think every time he’s tried to have sex since then—because i think he’s tried more than those two times, just only made it back to whoever’s apartment twice

gyzym: he’s ended up caught in that spiral

nat: (as someone who will happily have sex but is actually terrified of intimacy, I can vouch for crossed wires that way)

gyzym: (as someone who currently can’t have sex without intimacy, but deeply fears the intimacy, I FEEL YOU)

gyzym: wires do tangle, with trauma like this

gyzym: but so i think part of the thing with stiles has been like

gyzym: derek kind of slowly building up whatever whatever whatever, and freaking out about it but moving in these tiny increments

gyzym: and then they kiss and it’s

gyzym: not

gyzym: like it was with those other people

gyzym: there’s not that moment of shit-your-pants-terror

gyzym: of what-will-this-cause

gyzym: and i think THAT

gyzym: scares derek more than the alternative does

gyzym: because he’s been bracing himself for that, right

gyzym: been prepared to confront that and push back against it, been looking at this like this fight he has to win with himself

gyzym: because of everyone derek antagonizes and glares at and fights with and doesn’t trust

gyzym: there’s nobody he’s got more rage towards, no one he is more ready to beat bloody

gyzym: than himself

nat: THAT IS IN THE SHOW WHEN KATE FIGURES OUT THAT HE’S BEEN CARRYING WHAT SHE DID ALL HIS LIFE

nat: YES

nat: sorry sorry please continue

nat: but like

nat: the GUILT

nat: and the self-loathing

nat: are crushing

nat: Deaton’s like ‘trust this kid’ but he doesn’t even trust himself

gyzym: well and like that’s the thing, is that there’s so much guilt and so much self-loathing and so much pain and it’s all tied up with the sex thing, and the problem with derek is that he ISN’T HUMAN, and even if he was human that would be almost impossible to untangle alone

gyzym: but like

gyzym: derek was raised believing

gyzym: that he was superior to human beings

gyzym: and not in a gross werewolf-supremacist way

gyzym: but in a

gyzym: the bite is a gift

gyzym: be aware of your power

gyzym: be careful who you tell because this secret is a secret for our protection and theirs

gyzym: kind of way

gyzym: because it would have to have been presented to him that way for him to have told kate

gyzym: because if it was presented to him SOLELY

gyzym: as an issue of familial protection

gyzym: as an issue of NO HUMANS MUST EVER KNOW

gyzym: a) the humans in his pack wouldn’t have made sense and b) i think he would have approached it differently, the kate thing

nat: agreed

gyzym: but like, he’s been taught control

gyzym: to protect others

gyzym: from himself

gyzym: since he was a child

gyzym: so to then turn around

gyzym: and have control stripped from him SO ENTIRELY

gyzym: and to be a werewolf, and INHERENTLY depend less on introspection

gyzym: GOD LIKE HOW WOULD YOU EVER CLAW YOUR WAY PAST THAT

gyzym: ON YOUR OWN

nat: HE WAS TAUGHT THAT STRENGTH IS IN NUMBERS

nat: PROBLEMS ARE SHARED

nat: AND THEN SUDDENLY

gyzym: YES, AND THEN HE *LEARNED* THAT TRUSTING CAUSES DEATH

gyzym: AND DIDN’T TELL LAURA LIKE I JUST. AUGH. DEREK. MY HEART. MY DEREK FEELS. DEREK BABY LET ME LOVE YOU DOWN GENTLY AND SLOWLY AND ENTIRELY AT YOUR OWN PACE AND WITH YOUR EXPLICIT CONSENT AND WITHOUT MURDERING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

nat: LET ME LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH

gyzym: but like okay so I AM OFF-TRACK AGAIN

nat: sorrrryyy

nat: so invested, omg

gyzym: NO IT’S OKAY I AM NOT DISPLEASED ABOUT IT

gyzym: so the point is though, he expects all these terrible feelings he usually tries to avoid

gyzym: doesn’t quite brace himself for them but is also kind of ALWAYS BRACED FOR THEM

gyzym: and instead he kisses stiles and stiles tastes like the strawberry twizzlers he keeps buying for when they hang out, the kind he likes to smack derek on the shoulder with and then eat, grinning around them

gyzym: and a little bit like that horrible soda he’s always drinking, the bastardized red mountain dew that derek can’t believe people put in their bodies

gyzym: and, mostly, like stiles

gyzym: and derek doesn’t know how that’s possible

gyzym: that stiles can even taste like stiles

gyzym: but he does, and it terrifies derek

gyzym: far more than the flashbacks would have, far more than anything else they’ve done

gyzym: because the fact that derek’s immediate response ISN’T

gyzym: to freak out

gyzym: freaks him out

gyzym: because like

gyzym: IT’S DEREK

gyzym: PROOF THAT HE’S LET HIS GUARD DOWN THIS FAR

gyzym: WOULD FREAK HIM OUT LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS

gyzym: and so he tries to pull back and ends up half-falling off the couch

gyzym: and stiles is like, you know, it’s usually me falling off of stuff

gyzym: and not that this isn’t a REFRESHING CHANGE

nat: ahahaha I’m laughing from pain but also hilarity

gyzym: but is there any chance we can talk about this before you just…

gyzym: and derek bolts

gyzym: and stiles sighs and finishes

gyzym: …take off

gyzym: to the empty living room

gyzym: and kind of rubs his thumb over his bottom lip and tries not to completely freak out himself

gyzym: because he gets it, stiles—or, well

gyzym: he mostly gets that he doesn’t get it

nat: yeah, like, he gets that Derek has a set of derek prolems

nat: that are kind of not in his wheelhouse

gyzym: yeah, and i mean, i think stiles kind of looks at emotions in volume/depth rather than cause?

nat: agreed

gyzym: like i think if stiles was going to chart

gyzym: his own emotional landscape

gyzym: i think it would probably be a graph

gyzym: as opposed to anything else

gyzym: marking off positive and negative emotions in degrees

nat: hmm that makes sense

gyzym: heavy positive emotion for personal success; heavy negative emotion for disappointing people

gyzym: heavy negative emotion for the death of his mother; heavy positive emotion for scott

gyzym: and i think, by and large, he tries to live his life

gyzym: in the middle ground

gyzym: between the peaks and troughs

gyzym: or at very least avoids the troughs to a really intense degree

gyzym: I DON’T THINK HE’D ACTUALLY EXPLAIN IT THIS WAY, this is me trying to explain the way i think he filters emotion in an understandable way

nat: ugh his dad though

nat: so much love

gyzym: YES

gyzym: SO MUCH LOVE FOR HIS FATHER

nat: so much disappointment

gyzym: BUT HIS FATHER IS A COMPLICATED ONE

nat: like, so much love but also this crushing kind of disappointment that he’s not the son his father deserves

nat: in his head, anyway

gyzym: YES A) THE DISAPPOINTMENT AND B) THE FEAR LOSING HIM AND C) stiles has to, has to, has to, on some level, assume he will never, ever, ever make his father proud

gyzym: to the point that he sometimes

gyzym: actively

gyzym: avoids

gyzym: doing the things that could make his father say he’s proud of him

gyzym: not that stiles would ever admit to doing it

gyzym: but he does do it

gyzym: we’ve seen him do it

nat: yup

nat: I doubt he’d admit it too, but he does do that with regularity

nat: anyway

nat: onwards

gyzym: right so

gyzym: my point being

gyzym: stiles gets that derek’s got some big negative emotions

gyzym: that go along with

gyzym: pretty much everything

gyzym: that him and stiles are doing

gyzym: the age difference thing, the physical thing, the trust thing, the human-to-werewolf thing

gyzym: and to a certain degree stiles feels guilty, because like, stiles

gyzym: like there’s part of stiles that’s sure that if he’d just leave derek alone derek would be better off

nat: dsjkbfdjskbfdj

gyzym: except derek said he wasn’t fucking it up and deep down, underneath the fear that’s making him think that derek would be better off without him

gyzym: stiles KNOWS that isn’t true

gyzym: because being needed, for stiles, is stronger than fear

gyzym: canonically, visibly, he will meet need even if it means overcoming fear

gyzym: and he knows that even if

gyzym: this all goes completely, crazily wrong

gyzym: derek needs somebody who gets that they don’t get it

gyzym: and is willing to try anyway

gyzym: derek needs someone willing to put in the effort—not even like, this is what derek needs in a romantic partner, but like, DEREK JUST NEEDS A PERSON TO CARE ABOUT HIM WHO UNDERSTANDS AND IS OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT HE’S NOT GOOD AT EMOTION

nat: YES

gyzym: so he thinks about like

gyzym: driving around looking for derek or whatever

gyzym: thinks about calling him

gyzym: thinks about doing something

gyzym: and then decides that he’s probably better off

gyzym: just leaving it alone for awhile

gyzym: and goes to get coffee with erica

gyzym: because like, scott’s busy with allison and boyd’s busy with lydia and i have this whole headcanon about isaac and volunteer work but that’s another story for another time

nat: ISAAC

nat: MY ISAAC FEELINGS CAN WAIT FOR LATER BUT I HAVE THEM

nat: PLEASE CONTINUE

gyzym: ME TOO ME TOO

gyzym: but right so stiles goes for coffee with erica

gyzym: and kind of has this moment where he’s like

gyzym: WHAT IF SHE CAN SMELL DEREK ON ME

gyzym: WHAT IF I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH HER

gyzym: but she doesn’t say anything

gyzym: and the truth is stiles really likes hanging out with erica

gyzym: because now that she’s settled into her wolf powers and whatever

gyzym: he kind of doesn’t know anyone who is more

gyzym: unapologetically

gyzym: themselves

gyzym: like, there’s lydia, but half the time lydia is unapologetically someone else

gyzym: there’s boyd, but boyd’s not unapologetic about being himself, or apologetic about being himself

gyzym: he’s just himself

nat: but erica is always just erica, I can totally see her settling like that

gyzym: yes! and like

gyzym: she’s herself WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

gyzym: uncompromisingly herself regardless of circumstance

nat: EXCELLENT

gyzym: which to a certain degree makes her a terrible tactical operative

gyzym: but is a great quality in a friend

nat: ahaha tactics! the wolfpack is not um, strong on those just yet

gyzym: yes but this is the wolfpack AFTER LIKE EIGHT OR NINE MONTHS OF

gyzym: STILES AND BOYD

nat: YES

nat: THEY WILL GET BETTER I KNOW

gyzym: STILES AND BOYD ARE WHIPPING THIS MACHINE INTO SHAPE

nat: I JUST MEAN AS THEY ARE IN THE SHOW

gyzym: and also it’s my headcanon that scott handles the argents

nat: well, he has an in

gyzym: because finally stiles was like DEREK YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH THESE PEOPLE

gyzym: AND THESE PEOPLE CAN’T DEAL WITH YOU

gyzym: AND SCOTT IS *BETTER WITH HUMANS THAN YOU*

gyzym: AND KNOWS THEM ALREADY

gyzym: AND IS IN LOVE WITH THEIR DAUGHTER AND VICE VERSA

gyzym: STOP TALKING TO THEM!!!!

nat: YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE

gyzym: but okay so stiles, erica, coffee

gyzym: and he’s not even sure why he called her but what they end up talking about is

gyzym: their lives, before

gyzym: because erica surprises stiles and says that she

gyzym: misses it, sometimes

gyzym: being entirely human

gyzym: and stiles is like, you hated being human

gyzym: and erica is like, oh, well, i’d never go BACK

gyzym: god forbid

gyzym: being a wolf is way better, you should get derek to bite you

nat: lol

gyzym: but sometimes i miss…not grappling with my instinctive responses all the time, i guess

gyzym: there are days when i feel like everything is fight or flight first

gyzym: and the rest of me second

gyzym: and that gets exhausting

gyzym: that gets to feeling like i’m not really me

gyzym: and stiles is kind of like, uh, you’re the most you of anyone i’ve ever met

gyzym: …please translate that

gyzym: into words that make sense

gyzym: and then he’s like

gyzym: and if it helps

gyzym: sometimes i miss being JUST human

gyzym: instead of like, human-and-pack

gyzym: because being pack means….i don’t know, man, means i’m thinking about everybody else all the time, and not that it’s not great to have people to think about that aren’t like, scott and my dad, i guess

gyzym: but it’s a lot of threads to follow

nat: I can imagine

nat: that’s a lot of headspace

gyzym: and erica taps her fingernails—long, dark grey, and stiles wonders how she keeps them painted when they’re claws so often—against the lid of her cup and says, you know, i don’t think that’s pack, necessarily

gyzym: i think that’s just…having more people in your life

gyzym: but then again, it’s pack for me too, so i wouldn’t know

gyzym: and stiles waggles his eyebrows and is like, pack and ISAAC

gyzym: and erica gives him a flat look and is like

gyzym: stiles

gyzym: do you really

gyzym: want me to play the card i could play here

gyzym: do you *really* want that

gyzym: and stiles totally doesn’t, so they go catch a movie instead

nat: …I LOVE HER

gyzym: I LOVE HER TOO

gyzym: but he thinks about it, right, the whole idea that maybe having more people in your life means this crowded feeling in his head that he’s never really experienced before

gyzym: this crowded feeling that isn’t JUST worry

gyzym: because worry stiles can deal with

gyzym: stiles has been worrying, non-stop, since his mother died

gyzym: literally worrying himself into panic attacks

nat: UGH STIIILLESSS

nat: and he’s so matter of fact about it

nat: like ‘yeah bro, I know what that’s like, here, have a placebo’

nat: nfdjsk;`nfkd

nat: STIIILLES

gyzym: STIIIIIILES

gyzym: but this isn’t like that, it’s just all these things he’s trying to keep track of, the training stuff and the fighting stuff and the other stuff too, erica and isaac’s on-again/off-again friendship/dating/passion thing and boyd and lydia’s budding romance and scott and allison’s messy romeo-and-juliet deal, and everyone’s favorite pizza toppings and the assorted inside jokes and how to treat arrow wounds on a werewolf, and derek’s mess

gyzym: and it occurs to him, sitting in this dark movie theatre, that if his head is this crowded

gyzym: derek’s life must be a constant headache

gyzym: and it’s not that stiles didn’t know that, exactly

gyzym: because he did!

gyzym: but he hadn’t really pulled it all together yet

gyzym: that for derek it’s all this stuff, all these PEOPLE

gyzym: and everything that happens now is layered on top of everything that happened before

gyzym: so stiles goes home, and he doesn’t pick up his phone

gyzym: he just puts a white flag in his window

gyzym: that he makes out of

gyzym: a pillowcase and his lacrosse stick

gyzym: it’s sort of not really a flag

gyzym: so much as it is

gyzym: a pillowcase hanging from a lacrosse stick

gyzym: but he figures derek will get it

gyzym: get that it means neutral ground

nat: nfjsdf`bhjdsbdbshjfsdl

nat: safe haven

gyzym: yes!

gyzym: because derek likes

gyzym: symbols

gyzym: and war

gyzym: and things with lines that draw easily

gyzym: so he puts the flag in his window and goes to sleep

nat: he is comfrtable in absolutes in his life because inside his head is messy

nat: dhsajkdbsaj

gyzym: yes!!

gyzym: and he doesn’t see derek for days, but he doesn’t text him, doesn’t call him, doesn’t harass boyd about his location, doesn’t ask scott to sniff him out

nat: ABSOLUTES ARE SOOTHING

gyzym: he just puts the flag up every night

gyzym: and waits

gyzym: and one night, derek storms in through the window

gyzym: because he’s the only person

gyzym: stiles has ever met

gyzym: who can storm

gyzym: through a window

gyzym: and picks up the stick

gyzym: and shakes it at stiles

gyzym: and is like

gyzym: WHAT IS THIS

gyzym: and stiles is like

gyzym: it’s a lacrosse stick

gyzym: with a pillowcase on it

gyzym: NEXT QUESTION

gyzym: and derek is like I MEAN WHAT DOES IT MEAN STILES

gyzym: and stiles shrugs and is like

gyzym: it means i don’t really want anything from you

gyzym: i mean, obviously i do want some things from you

gyzym: in the abstract, eventually kind of sense

gyzym: but you know that

gyzym: because you can smell that

gyzym: but it’s—i don’t know, derek, i’m sick of like

gyzym: waiting to screw this up and feeling like we’re….like whatever this is, you think of it as like

gyzym: some mountain you’re climbing or something

gyzym: and i don’t want you to go hide in the woods again because that was terrible

gyzym: so, look, there’s a white flag in the window

gyzym: you can do what you want

gyzym: you can run away if you want

gyzym: and i’ll never say anything about it

gyzym: but it doesn’t have to be like that all the time, is my point

nat: you can just be here if you want, I am okay with you, just as you are

nat: (might be getting emotional)

gyzym: but so derek just kind of

gyzym: stares at stiles, right

gyzym: because the thing about this is that it’s a clumsy gesture

gyzym: like, a really

gyzym: clumsy gesture

gyzym: oddly poignant, but clumsy

gyzym: and derek takes kind of a weird amount of comfort in that

nat: sure, it’s clumsy, but it’s the thought behind it that matters

nat: also, stiles is a clumsy person

gyzym: yeah, and like

gyzym: everything that happened with kate, right, it was part of this greater plan

gyzym: and at the time, before everything happened, he found her like

gyzym: constant…perfection, right

gyzym: the practiced polished way she was

gyzym: even when they were fucking and it was anything but polished

gyzym: but the calculation there, before he knew what it meant

gyzym: turned him on, kind of, and called to him in part because

gyzym: at that point derek wasn’t really used to making decisions for himself!

gyzym: was, in training and in form, a beta

gyzym: used to following, meant to follow

gyzym: and the way kate was so effortlessly in charge was a good thing for him, then

gyzym: but now stiles is hanging pillowcases from lacrosse sticks out his window to say hey, i’m not trying to make you do anything

gyzym: and sitting in front him twitchy and with those blotches on his face that aren’t quite the same as he looks when he blushes

gyzym: the ones derek thinks of as the emotion blotches, because they always show up when stiles smells like

gyzym: panic or anger or hurt

nat: bhjbhdj`bdhjbhfjks<GDueiwhdsa;ksal’;

gyzym: but stiles doesn’t smell like any of those things now

gyzym: and derek doesn’t actually know what to call

gyzym: the way this room smells at the moment

gyzym: because it’s not a scent he remembers in connection with any english words

gyzym: but he guesses he’d probably call it solidarity, if he had to translate

gyzym: stiles smells like the wolves in his pack used to when one of them slunk home injured but clearly not fatally injured

gyzym: and, on top of that

gyzym: like confusion

gyzym: and the fact that stiles doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing

gyzym: but wants to do it anyway

gyzym: finally hits derek as the weirdly sharp guarantee of…of *something* that it is

gyzym: and he means to say something about that

gyzym: means to try to put some of what’s been going on is his head into words, because maybe he can

gyzym: maybe he can and it won’t be his own death warrant, maybe he can without having to agonize over it later

gyzym: but what comes out of his mouth is, why are you doing this

nat: dereeeeekkkk

gyzym: and stiles says, why do you think, derek

gyzym: in this

gyzym: very

gyzym: even

gyzym: voice

gyzym: and derek can’t answer that question

gyzym: but it’s suddenly very, very clear to him

gyzym: that stiles can’t answer HIS question

gyzym: and it’s probably for some of the same reasons

gyzym: and this time when derek kisses him stiles eases his mouth open like he’s offering something, like this whole thing between them is an exchange, stiles’ tongue brushing against derek’s bottom lip like an invitation

gyzym: and derek takes it

gyzym: takes it enough to crowd stiles up out of his computer chair so it falls backwards as stiles scrambles to stand up, as derek catches a hand at the small of his back so he doesn’t topple down with it and break them apart

gyzym: because once they’ve broken apart derek’s not sure he’ll be able to put them back together, not right now, and the truth is derek DOESN’T want to run anymore

nat: eeeeeeeeeeeeee

gyzym: not from stiles, sure, but really not from

gyzym: any of it

gyzym: all these demons at his heels

gyzym: because he is so tired

gyzym: has been so tired, for so long

gyzym: and there’s this relief here, caught between them, that isn’t really about

gyzym: the sex thing or the kate thing or the pack thing or anything, really, except

gyzym: that stiles keeps doing these things, but can’t tell derek why

gyzym: and derek keeps coming back

gyzym: and so he backs stiles up into his bedroom door and kisses him like he’s never kissed anybody

gyzym: not kate, who he was always trying to impress

gyzym: not the people who came after, who he was trying to prove something to (who he was using to try to prove something to himself)

gyzym: not the handful of girls and guys he’d fooled around with, when his life was still whole and he was still so young, when he was just trying to figure it all out, who he’d mostly just been trying not to make a mistake with

gyzym: derek kisses stiles like he’s drowning and starving and hungry and scared

gyzym: and stiles brackets derek’s face with his hands and lets him

gyzym: opens himself up to it with his whole body and doesn’t push back, doesn’t pull away, doesn’t try to use it for anything, doesn’t try to get anything out of it

gyzym: just keeps derek as close as he can get him and does what’s clearly his level best to keep pace

gyzym: and when derek pulls away he’s panting

gyzym: panting like he’s been running for his life

nat: in a way he kind of has

gyzym: yes

gyzym: and he’s doing it even though stiles isn’t gasping, and stiles is the human, so they can’t have been doing this for that long, or stiles is a quick study on circular breathing

gyzym: and derek’s body is

gyzym: thrumming

gyzym: with the fight-or-flight instinct

gyzym: that he doesn’t know erica only just talked to stiles about

gyzym: with these conflicting urges he can’t trust, hasn’t been able to trust in years

gyzym: and one of them says he should jump out the window

gyzym: and one of them says he should demand answers to questions it probably hasn’t even occurred to stiles might be asked

gyzym: but he doesn’t do either

gyzym: because if gestures can be clumsy derek can make one

gyzym: can stay still

gyzym: can stay *here*

nat: nobody’s ever made a gesture for him before with no thought of returns

gyzym: not since the fire, anyway

gyzym: and derek kind of thinks of himself

gyzym: before the fire

gyzym: as a different person

nat: well, I kind of do too

nat: in terms of behavior

gyzym: ME TOO, and he would be, really

gyzym: but so he just kind of pants into stiles’ hair for a minute

gyzym: with these warring instincts building up inside of him

gyzym: and his hands balled into fists at his sides

gyzym: until stiles says, okay, uh, easy there, big guy, because if you actually drool in my hair the whole werewolf thing is going to totally drop in cool points

gyzym: and derek finds himself laughing

gyzym: because he’s having part of the longest nervous breakdown in the history of time

gyzym: in the bedroom of a seventeen year old human

gyzym: who knows that he’s a werewolf, and doesn’t care

gyzym: who, if evidence is anything to go by, isn’t planning on killing him

gyzym: who knows about this wreckage inside of derek that even derek is frightened of

gyzym: this wreckage that should frighten ANYONE

gyzym: and doesn’t mind

gyzym: and he doesn’t want DROOL in his HAIR

gyzym: and for whatever reason it’s the most hilarious thing in the world

gyzym: the idea that that’s stiles’ breaking point

gyzym: not the death defying escapades

gyzym: not the bloodlust

gyzym: not that time derek tried to make him cut off his ARM

gyzym: no, it’s drool

gyzym: in his hair

gyzym: drool derek isn’t even drooling

gyzym: in his hair

gyzym: he smells like he’s so hard it hurts and he’s worried about derek drooling in his hair

gyzym: and, kind of distantly, he hears stiles say

gyzym: oh, hey, you can laugh!

gyzym: who knew that, i thought your body didn’t know how, we’re going to have to talk about all of the totally funny things i’ve said that i excused your lack of laughter at because i thought it was a biological inability

gyzym: and then, after a minute

gyzym: ….derek?

nat: AHAHA

nat: OH MAN

nat: DEREK IS HAVING

nat: A BSOD

gyzym: YES

gyzym: DEREK IS HAVING

gyzym: A BSOD

gyzym: IN A BIG WAY

gyzym: and actually i think that’s what stiles says

gyzym: i think stiles kind of

gyzym: pushes derek away from him

gyzym: with an arm on his shoulder

gyzym: and peers at him with the like

gyzym: narrowed-stiles-eyes-of-scrutiny

nat: ‘I am trying very hard to figure this out’ face

nat: fndsjkfbjdk

gyzym: and derek just kind of

gyzym: howls

gyzym: helplessly

gyzym: with laughter

gyzym: and stiles is like

gyzym: okay

gyzym: so

gyzym: this is clearly a blue screen of death

gyzym: do you want me to order a pizza

gyzym: can i jerk off in the bathroom without it like, freaking you out

nat: fffffffff

gyzym: and derek would totally stop laughing at the idea of stiles

gyzym: jerking off

gyzym: where derek can hear and smell him, because goddamn

gyzym: except that

gyzym: when stiles says that

gyzym: he kind of tries to

gyzym: point at the bathroom?

gyzym: and fails

gyzym: like he just ends up kind of

gyzym: pointing around at the room

gyzym: and then frowning, clearly to himself, in that

gyzym: man-how-do-i-get-through-the-day-sometimes

gyzym: way stiles has

nat: actually laughing out loud

gyzym: YES IT’S QUITE AMUSING

gyzym: WHICH IS WHY DEREK CAN’T ACTUALLY

gyzym: STOP LAUGHING

gyzym: and stiles is finally like okay

gyzym: derek

gyzym: you would tell me

gyzym: if you were having

gyzym: a werewolf stroke

gyzym: right

gyzym: and derek nods

gyzym: and stiles is like, great, then i’m going to abandon you and your hysteria in here

gyzym: and order a pizza

gyzym: and derek nods again

gyzym: and stiles kind of shakes his head

gyzym: and then kisses derek on the cheek

gyzym: and then makes this face

gyzym: like he doesn’t know why the hell he did that

gyzym: and leaves the room

gyzym: and so derek ends up

gyzym: on stiles’ bed

gyzym: mostly calm

gyzym: not listening to the sounds of the house because he’s not sure what would happen if he heard stiles jerking himself off

gyzym: because he’s not sure if that would be good or bad, if it would break whatever’s come over him

gyzym: and he’s not used to being….light, like this

nat: fdjskgjsfhjgkdfhgjkhfjdhfd

gyzym: and he knows it won’t last

gyzym: he knows it’s temporary, and probably hysteria

gyzym: or the aftermath of hysteria

gyzym: but it’s a relief

nat: DEREK YOU HAVE JUST RELEASED A LOT OF STUFF THROUGH THE HEALING POWER OF HYSTERICAL, BORDERLINE INSANE LAUGHTER

nat: OF COURSE IT’S A RELIEF

gyzym: I AM A FIRM BELIEVER IN THE POWERS OF HYSTERICAL, BORDERLINE INSANE LAUGHTER, OKAY

nat: ME TOO

gyzym: but the thing is, maybe that’s what this is about, sometimes. maybe sometimes it’s about relief. maybe trust was too big a concept—maybe it’s pieces, right, like the way stiles breaks down plans into steps, like the way boyd is always telling derek to STOP thinking of the big picture when the immediate picture is what might kill them. maybe sometimes it is about

gyzym: white flags

gyzym: and clumsy gestures

gyzym: and letting go

gyzym: even if it’s just for a little while

nat: and pizza because pizza is simple in the face of a tiny breakdown

gyzym: yes! and the truth is, derek doesn’t think he’s ever going to let go

gyzym: not entirely, not completely, wouldn’t even want to, because the day he lets go

gyzym: is the day he’s vulnerable again

gyzym: is the day he forgets his family, and what happened to them, and what he lost, and why he lost it

gyzym: (and he’s so not even close to there yet, to the place where he can recognize that that isn’t true)

gyzym: (if i do write this fic it’s going to be SO LONG)

nat: not even in the same city

gyzym: but it’s…derek’s never really put it together before, that it doesn’t always have to be

gyzym: the way it’s been

gyzym: that he doesn’t have to carry it all the time, just almost all of the time

gyzym: that he can, every now and again, take a step away from it

gyzym: and so he lays flat on his back on a bed that smells like stiles

gyzym: and doesn’t feel anything

gyzym: just exists, in the moment he’s in

gyzym: like the thrill of the hunt in reverse, because that’s where everything is drowned out by the urge to catch and kill

gyzym: that’s where everything’s flooded

nat: this is like the low tide point

nat: the water’s gone

gyzym: this is like everything in him draining

gyzym: until he’s just a body on a bed that belongs to a boy that should be afraid of him and isn’t

gyzym: and the thing is, if stiles isn’t afraid of him

gyzym: stiles, who SHOULD be afraid of him, by all rights

gyzym: maybe there’s a chance, however slim

gyzym: that someday derek won’t be afraid of himself.

gyzym: and after twenty minutes stiles comes upstairs with a pizza

gyzym: and shakes his head at derek like derek is the most ridiculous thing in the world, but not in a bad way

gyzym: and pulls his laptop off his desk and balances it on the computer chair, which he rights from where they knocked it down and pulls over to the side of the bed

gyzym: and he tells derek that if derek gets crumbs in his bed he is banished

gyzym: but he doesn’t mean it

nat: stiles who is fragile and human and should know that derek is dangerous just

nat: brings him pizza and worries about drool in his hair and lets him be ridiculous

gyzym: yes!!

gyzym: stiles who is all pale skin and fragile bone, by his own definition

gyzym: who was frightened of derek when he met him

gyzym: but isn’t now

gyzym: and that shouldn’t be true

gyzym: it should be the reverse

gyzym: because derek knows that what’s within him

gyzym: is far scarier than what’s without