my friends: i love it when my boyfriend tells me he loves me
me: i love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready
TOP TEN REASONS I AM AS SATISFIED (OR MORE SATISFIED!) WITH MY MICROWAVE AS I HAVE EVER BEEN WITH ANY MAN:
1. If you put a frozen burrito inside of your microwave, it will be returned to you warmed, delicious, and ready to eat. If you put a frozen burrito inside of your man, the best case scenario is one where you never, ever hear from it again
2. Never has my microwave ever said unto me, “Microwaves before hos”
3. If your microwave breaks, the person at the other end of the number you must call will (best case) ask you helpful guiding questions or (worst case) put you on hold. If your man breaks, the number you must call almost always leads to his mother
4. In my experience, most microwaves require programming, while most men require deprogramming
5. While I have never asked my microwave to hold my purse, I know for a fact that it would not refuse on any horrifying, sexist grounds
6. There is no such thing as the “Microwave Zone,” and my microwave and I both know that
7. Sometimes I am places where my microwave is not, and require the kind of familiar heat it provides! In such situations, I know I can safely use another microwave without sending my microwave into a jealous rage
8. When I go to my microwave at 4:30 in the morning and say GODDAMN IT MICROWAVE I JUST WANT A BROWNIE I MADE IN A MUG, my microwave does not judge me, look at me askance, or make unasked for comments about whether or not I really need a brownie I made in a mug at 4:30 in the morning
9. When a man decides to get dirty, it sometimes leads to uncomfortable, unwanted, or seriously unsettling situations! When a microwave decides to get dirty, you can usually just wipe it down with a cloth
10. When your microwave makes you dinner, it never, ever, ever tells you it expects sex in return.
IN CONCLUSION: PRETTY SURE I’M LOOKING FOR A MAN MORE LIKE MY MICROWAVE
