not language but a map

writer, reader, eater of bagels. cracking inappropriate jokes to cut tension since 1989.
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intrikate88 replied to your post: sparklyslug replied to your post: psa: whaaaaaat…
Re: #9 I read that three times as meaning you had so much blue paint to deal with that you couldn’t get off when you were with this guy. Which would be one of the greatest awkward!sex stories ever.

LMFAO, no, although i DID a) somehow still manage to get blue paint all over that guy’s pillow, i think it was in my hair and b) end up totally breaking the homemade arc reactor he was wearing when he was dressed up as tony stark on ANOTHER halloween, after we’d dated and broken up, and while we were having a regression-based, we’re-not-dating-anymore-but-goddamn-you-look-hot-as-my-favorite-egomaniacal-superhero hookup in a bush on the side of the road. (yes, really. we ran into each other on our way to two separate bars and things escalated quickly, THAT BUSH WAS JUST THERE, i don’t know what to tell you.) what i INTENDED to do was bend down for…reasons…but i went dressed as, uh, a deer sarah palin had killed that year—IT WAS AN ELECTION YEAR OKAY—and what i SUCCEEDED in doing was skewering his reactor on my antlers and tearing it apart. it’s possible i’m less than coordinated. 

HILARIOUSLY THAT STILL ISN’T EVEN THE MOST AWKWARD SEX STORY IN MY REPERTOIRE, that honor goes to the time me and this dude were going at in his living room and his like, intensely wait-until-marriage roommate came home from his weekend away early, opened the door, found me on top of this guy totally naked, and just STOOD THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN AND HIS EYES SCREWED SHUT FOR LIKE A FULL MINUTE TRYING SO HARD TO APOLOGIZE THAT HE ENDED UP JUST MAKING WHALE NOISES. the guy i was with actually had to get up and lead him out of the room because he refused to open his eyes again even after i promised him i was covered and not offended, because, and i quote, “god would not forgive me if i looked at you again right now.” should anything ever top that, i’ll let y’all know.