not language but a map

writer, reader, eater of bagels. cracking inappropriate jokes to cut tension since 1989.
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will the real king of gondor please stand up

nat: also ahaha that ‘fellowship happens anyway’ fic?
nat: I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED
gyzym: OH GOOD BECAUSE I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO DO THAT
gyzym: JUST BECAUSE: RELUCTANT KING ARAGORN
gyzym: BEING LIKE, EVERYONE IS THE KING OF GONDOR!
gyzym: HER OVER THERE
gyzym: KING OF GONDOR!
nat: THAT DWARF
gyzym: BOROMIR I THINK YOU ARE THE KING OF GONDOR
gyzym: FRODO I KNOW YOU LIKE THE SHIRE BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED BEING KING OF GONDOR
nat: THAT STUMP
nat: THESE HOBBITS
nat: COLLECTIVELY
gyzym: ON EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS THEY MAKE A WHOLE KING!
nat: HERE LOOK THEY’RE WEARING A COAT
gyzym: dfhdskfhsdk hERE LOOK THEY’RE WEARING A COAT hfkdsjf dying
nat: sam is the legs
nat: he is the sturdiest
nat: frodo is the middle because he keeps crying
nat: and merry and pippin can alternate being heads
gyzym: NO DUDE BUT IN THIS STORY FRODO WOULD HAVE NO RING
gyzym: HE WOULD JUST BE ON
gyzym: A MARVELOUS ADVENTURE
nat: OH OKAY
gyzym: LIKE THE KIND BILBO USED TO GO ON
gyzym: THIS WOULD BE
gyzym: A HAPPY FRODO!!!
gyzym: CAN YOU *EVEN IMAGINE*
nat: SO BRIGHT BUSHY TAILED FRODO CAN BE THE HEAD
gyzym: YES
nat: TA DA, INSTANT KING
gyzym: plus merry and pippin obvs need to be in the middle because
gyzym: better that they don’t speak
gyzym: DIPLOMACY
gyzym: DOES NOT STRIKE ME
gyzym: AS A MERRY AND PIPPIN TYPE SKILL
gyzym: fbdjfds aragorn tries to make eowyn king of gondor and she thinks he’s hitting on her
nat: gklrshjkgfl;s
gyzym: and aragorn has to be like NO I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I JUST WANT YOU TO BE THE KING
nat: I have a throne if you want it
nat: please say you want it
nat: please
gyzym: I WON’T GIVE YOU THE D BUT I DO HAVE THIS NICE CROWN
nat: it doesn’t fit me right MAYBE YOU’LL BE THE LUCKY ONE
gyzym: at one point
gyzym: aragorn offers both legolas and gimli the chance to be king of gondor
gyzym: together or separately either way
gyzym: and they are both like
gyzym: GASP
gyzym: HORROR
gyzym: KING OF *MEN*?
gyzym: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE KING OF THE *MEN*
gyzym: HAVE YOU MET YOU GUYS, NO
gyzym: faramir tries to take it and denethor smacks his hand away and is like BOROMIR OR NO ONE I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE IF I MUST
gyzym: somewhere in the distance elrond’s locked himself in his bedroom and won’t come out
nat: elrond’s just rocking back and forth
nat: trying not to scream that he’s failed as a foster parent
gyzym: ~arwen’s going to marry an asshole, arwen’s going to marry an asshole~
nat: look at his deliquent progeny
gyzym: fsdhfdsjfhdskfsd
nat: or well, not-quite-progeny
nat: pseudo progeny
gyzym: grima wormtongue is like I WILL BE KING OF GONDOR
gyzym: and everyone is like
gyzym: ….no, not you
gyzym: even aragorn
nat: …yeah maybe…not…you
gyzym: ARAGORN KEEPS DECIDING THEY SHOULD HOST CONTESTS TO DETERMINE THE KING OF GONDOR AND THEN WINNING BY MISTAKE
nat: A WHO HAS A MANLIER BEARD CONTEST
nat: A WHO CAN CARRY THE MOST HOBBITS CONTEST
nat: A WHO SMELLS WORST CONTEST
gyzym: HE FIGURED THE WHO HAS A MANLIER BEARD CONTEST WAS A SURE THING, BECAUSE EVEN IF HE DID WIN GIMLI WOULD KILL HIM
gyzym: BUT LEGOLAS PULLS HIM OFF BEFORE HE CAN, THE BASTARD
gyzym: EVEN THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
gyzym: CAN’T SAVE ARAGORN FROM BEING KING OF GONDOR
nat: ALSO THAT BEARD IS THE DWARVLIEST, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
gyzym: fsfhsdjkfdshfjdsfdshfjksdhfjkdshfkjsfhgfDSKJFGDLJFHGDSLKFJDFS
nat: GIMLI DOESN’T WANT YOUR HUMANCENTRISM
gyzym: HIS ANGER WAS MISPLACED
gyzym: HE THOUGHT HE LOST A *BEST* BEARD CONTEST
gyzym: ONCE LEGOLAS EXPLAINS THAT HE MISHEARD HE CALMS RIGHT DOWN
gyzym: CURSE YOU LEGOLAS, THINKS ARAGORN
nat: HE CLEARLY WINS BEST BEARD
nat: NOBODY IS ARGUING THAT POINT
nat: CURSE YOU AND YOUR UNEXPECTEDLY GOOD HANDLING OF THE SITUATION WHICH COULD HAVE RELEASED ME FROM MY OBLIGATIONS
gyzym: DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STATE THE OBVIOUS AND LOOK PRETTY
gyzym: AND LEGOLAS IS LIKE
gyzym: YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY THE KING OF GONDOR
gyzym: AND THIS LIGHTING IS PERFECT FOR ME THANK YOU VERY MUCH
nat: I smell best
gyzym: i smell best for ALWAYS
nat: don’t include me in this contest, this contest is for sweaty mortals
nat: you don’t count, gimli
nat: you smell like the blood of orcs and I find it inexplicably arousing
gyzym: I LIKE YOUR MUSK GIMLI
gyzym: a bunch of orcs show up and aragorn is like YES BATTLE, I WILL DIE GLORIOUSLY AND BE MARTYRED AND NO ONE WILL MAKE ME BE KING OF GONDOR
gyzym: but the orcs are like
gyzym: we heard some idiot human is trying to pretend he’s not king of gondor
gyzym: and there’s no cable in middle earth
gyzym: we’re gonna build bleachers of evil, don’t mind us
nat: we brought popcorn of evil too
nat: it has cheese on it
nat: see?
gyzym: WOULD ANYONE LIKE SOME EVIL PEANUT M&MS
nat: frankennachos
gyzym: chocolate chip cookie fingers
nat: now with walnut ‘fingernails’
gyzym: fdjskfhdjskf
gyzym: GALADRIEL FLOATING BY EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE
gyzym: TO BE LIKE, THE AGE OF MEN
gyzym: AND SHAKE HER HEAD
gyzym: IN DISAPPOINTMENT
nat: EVEN IF THERE IS NO WATER AROUND
gyzym: ESPECIALLY IF THERE’S NO WATER AROUND
gyzym: thranduil shows up for a hot second on his elk of glory to be like I WILL BE KING OF GONDOR, I GUESS
gyzym: but he catches legolas and gimli making out in the bushes
gyzym: and has an apopleptic fit instead
gyzym: DAMN YOU LEGOLAS
nat: DAMN IT LEGOLAS
nat: THAT WAS MY CHANCE
nat: AND NOW IT IS RIDING AWAY
nat: IN A VISIBLE CLOD OF RAGE
nat: TO MYSTERIOUS TECHNO MUSIC
gyzym: EVEN BILL THE PONY WON’T BE KING OF GONDOR
gyzym: ARAGORN TRIES TO GIVE HIM THE CROWN AND HE SNORTS AT IT AND GOES BACK TO EATING GRASS
nat: HE WON’T EVEN STOMP ON IT AND DELAY THE CORONATION
gyzym: aragorn was 99% sure he was going to be able to sell boromir on it
gyzym: he was RIGHT THERE
gyzym: he was SO CLOSE
gyzym: and then boromir was like LOL JK I’M GOING TO LIVE IN THE SHIRE
gyzym: I WILL HAVE HOBBITS FOR ALWAYS
nat: I LIKE THESE HOBBITS
nat: THEY ARE NICE TO ME
nat: THEY HAVE FOOD 
nat: AND LISTEN TO ME BOASTING
gyzym: THEY ARE SO SMALL AND FREE OF DADDY ISSUES
gyzym: I CAN’T SAY THE SAME FOR YOU *OR* GONDOR, ARAGORN
gyzym: THAT CROWN SMELLS LIKE THE PEDESTAL MY DAD MADE ME SIT ON EVERY DAY FROM AGES 1 TO 24
gyzym: eomer won’t take it, he wants to chill in rohan with theoden, THAT ASSHOLE
nat: eomer is stoked that he gets to ride around on a horse looking impressive for the next however many years
nat: eomer gets all the sex
nat: from all the hot horse lords
gyzym: EOMER IS LIKE THAT CROWN WOULDN’T FIT ON MY HELMET ARAGORN
gyzym: THERE IS ALREADY A HAIRY BRAID THING
gyzym: IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH
gyzym: gandalf just laughs
gyzym: literally from the shire onward
gyzym: he has just been
gyzym: laughing
gyzym: you can’t get a word in edgewise, it’s terrible
gyzym: THE ENTS WON’T EVEN LEAVE THE FOREST TO BE THE GLORIOUS TREE-KINGS OF GONDOR
gyzym: and then i feel like this all eventually ends in arwen being like
gyzym: ARAGORN HOW ABOUT I TAKE THE CROWN
gyzym: AND BECOME QUEEN OF GONDOR
gyzym: AND WE GET MARRIED
gyzym: WILL THAT SHUT YOU UP
gyzym: and the haze of sex and freedom from the crown distracts aragorn until he wakes up the day after the wedding to the realization that he is the king of gondor anyway
gyzym: GODDAMN IT
nat: AHAHAHA
nat: OMG ARAGORN
nat: IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED
nat: SHE WAS GOING TO BE IN CHARGE ANYWAY
gyzym: HE TRIED EVERYTHING OKAY
gyzym: AT ONE POINT HE EVEN PITCHED HIMSELF OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF IN A FIT OF DESPAIR
gyzym: BUT ARWEN DREAM-SHOWED UP AND RESCUED HIM
gyzym: AND WAS LIKE
gyzym: THIS ISN’T TWILIGHT ARAGORN
gyzym: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
nat: GET BACK ON THAT HORSE
nat: NO, DON’T KISS IT
nat: IT DOESN’T LOVE YOU LIKE I DO
nat: YOU HUGE DORK
gyzym: ARAGORN GIVES A HUGE SPEECH TO THE ASSEMBLED CAST OF EVERY LOTR BOOK AND MOVIE
gyzym: "ALL I WANT TO DO IS RUN AROUND IN THE WOODS GETTING MUDDY AND WEARING FILTHY LEATHER AND OCCASIONALLY HAVING ELF SEX AND BEING KING OF NO ONE!! PLEASE, SOMEONE SPARE ME MY HORRIBLE FATE OF BECOMING ROYALTY"
gyzym: and everybody just jeers
gyzym: and buys more evil popcorn
nat: and throws it at him
nat: like rice at a wedding
nat: or petals at a coronation
gyzym: fhsdjkfhksdfsdf
gyzym: AND THEN THE LAST SCENE
gyzym: IS FRODO AND SAM
gyzym: CLINGING TO EACH OTHER
gyzym: AND FRODO IS LIKE
gyzym: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS, SAM
gyzym: AND SAM IS LIKE
gyzym: I DON’T KNOW
gyzym: BUT WE CAN’T STOP,  MR FRODO
gyzym: WE CAN’T STOP