previously on true blood: jason got some sweet, sweet vampire ass; jessica got some pretty-but-less-than-brilliant (i love you jason but oh my god) human ass; hoyt got diddly-squat and, also, angry; bill got crowned king and everybody could hear my screams of horror all the way from cleveland; eric’s memory got wiped and he spent a whole season being adorable puppy memory-vanished!eric; THEY KILLED JESUS; witches; witches; more witches; tragic pam leaving a trail of body parts like hansel and gretel gone badly awry; blah blah blah sam is the most boring character on this show blah blah werewolves blah; APPARENTLY WE’VE DECIDED TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE WEREPANTHER!JASON BUSINESS; terry and arlene will always be more interesting than sam; oh right that whole possessed baby storyline, what the hell even is this show; sookie being all “no i cannot love either of you” which is hilar since obviously bill is the worst; murder murder vampire politics murder; sookie shot crazy debbie; aaaand they tried to convince us they were killing off tara, which i did not believe they would really do to such a degree that i actually FORGOT until it showed up in “previously on true blood” and allowed me to repeat the experience of thinking “lol please, it is a staple of this show that tara cannot escape this horrifying place, EVEN DEATH WOULD NOT RELEASE HER, come on guys, this isn’t season two anymore.”
WHICH BRINGS US RIGHT ON UP TO CANONICAL VAMPIRE INCEST, OH I’M SORRY, WAS THAT NOT THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS EPISODE?
today is the day. today is the day true blood returns to me. TODAY IS THE DAY TRUE BLOOD COMES BACK.
i am not sure if i’m going to be able to watch it tonight, for reasons of life, etc. however! if i do not watch it tonight, i will watch it tomorrow, and that means i am out of time to delay this. there are many of you who were not following me the last time there was new true blood (HI, EVERYBODY WHO HAS SHOWED UP IN THE LAST YEAR, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE MADNESS YOU HAVE WEATHERED AND THE MADNESS YOU WILL SHORTLY BE FACING), so i must now make this very clear:
THERE IS NO SHOW CURRENTLY ON TELEVISION, NO SHOW THAT HAS EVER BEEN ON TELEVISION, AND NO SHOW THAT WILL EVER BE ON TELEVISION THAT I AM AS IRRATIONAL ABOUT AS TRUE BLOOD.
no, really. my feeling about this show are largely as follows: ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC *SHRIEKING ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR* ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC *ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR* ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC *VITAL ORGANS HEMORRHAGING SQUEE* ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC. when those are not my feelings, it is because my feelings are DIE BILL DIE I HOPE YOU DIE I NEED YOU TO DIE ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS FOR YOU TO DIE, ERIC CAN STAB YOU SOOKIE CAN STAB YOU TARA CAN STAB YOU I CAN STAB YOU SOMEBODY STAB BILL ALREADY.
so. um. i am sorry in advance for sundays/mondays for the rest of the summer. they tend to be….frothy. my opinions tend to be…frothier. I’M SORRY, THERE’S NO HELPING IT. should you wish to avoid this, i strongly suggest you take this opportunity to block the tag “eric northman for god king of louisiana.”
good viking boys know to bear houses
YOU MOCK RUPERT THE SEA PENIS-CUMBER
YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU WANT ME TO FOCUS YOU SHOULD DRESS LIKE A PRIEST
mostly because you’re walking kind of funny and singing birthday sex under your breath again
(Source: demonicrosebush, via tokidokifish)
oh dearie me an excuse to whip out every last one of my true blood tags MY MY WHAT SHALL I DO I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO WHIP OUT EVERY LAST ONE OF MY TRUE BLOOD TAGS
i am moving to sweden
they have produced the family skarsgard
and also it is beautiful
SWEDISH FOLLOWERS, I SALUTE YOU, YOUR PLACE OF RESIDENCE IS EXCELLENT AND I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THERE
WHO PLAYS ERIK
IS STELLAN SKARSGARD
WHO IS THE FATHER OF
and then i wrote true blood mockery fanfic at the not my fandom fest! i really could not help myself, i apologize. but! everyone should go check out both this round and the previous round of the not my fandom fest, as they are, seriously, HILARIOUS.