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writer, reader, eater of bagels. cracking inappropriate jokes to cut tension since 1989.
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#ORLANDO BLOOM I HATE YOU

blueshoesandbluemountains:

 

dwarvensexgod:

Elves react to spotting a mole

misscarletwitch asked: tell me you've seen the Three Musketeers from like a year ago with Orlando Bloom in it. tell me that glorious clusterfuck of a non-film has graced your eyes.

omg i have not, THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN POST-HASTE OMG, it’s orlando bloom and terrible cinema and orlando bloom in terrible cinema, BEHOLD ALL MY GREATEST LOVES COMBINED 

being orlando bloomkevitch:

gyzym: omg why are the casts of peter jackson’s movies ALWAYS PERFECT, DO YOU THINK HE PICKS THEM ON PERSONALITY ALONE
gyzym: like is his casting call ACTOR NEEDED MUST BE AWESOME PERSON
nat: I think he might tbh because CHEMISTRY
nat: IT’S ALWAYS SO GOOD
gyzym: UGH IT REALLY IS
nat: even if one of the cast CAN’T ACT
nat: cough bloom cough
gyzym: *coughorla—
gyzym: i was literally TYPING THAT
gyzym: his inability to act works for him though, because it just makes legolas look like an adorably flat dum-dum
nat: loolllll
nat: poor legolas
nat: he gets all the most hilarious lines
nat: and he has no idea
nat: his elf eyes see only deadly serious business
gyzym: IT’S REALLY NOT HIS FAULT, god can you imagine legolas played by like
gyzym: a talented actor though.
gyzym: BECAUSE I HONESTLY CAN’T

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blueshoesandbluemountains asked: ok so I currently live at home in my childhood bedroom, replete with about 8 Orlando Bloom posters. THERE'S ONE OF HIM FROLICKING IN THE SEA FULLY CLOTHED. And I feel you and your feels, dude. All this Hobbit stuff has brought about a resurgence of feelings in general and ones toward my childhood adoration in particular??? And it's really uncomfortable b/c I'm now 24????

omg but see THAT IS THE WORST THING ABOUT ORLANDO BLOOM, the worst thing about orlando bloom is that he is clearly the kind of person who does, outside of photo shoots, actually probably frolic in the sea fully clothed. like, he is THAT PERSON, who would be like, “wow, i wish to be in the ocean right now so i’m just going to walk right on in while i’m all dressed, whatever,” or POSSIBLY EVEN “WOW I AM IN THE OCEAN FULLY CLOTHED BECAUSE I AM ~DEEP AND MEANINGFUL~, EVERY MOMENT IS A JOURNEY.” LIKE. he is a hilarious fail-hipster instagram warrior who was born too early, he is SUCH A RIDICULOUS PERSON, he has been quoted as saying such gems as “Elves are like trees, grounded and focused from the trunk down but graceful and agile on top,” and, EVEN WORSE, “I don’t do a film unless it has a sword in it. And if it doesn’t have a sword in it, I insist that they have one in the same room to keep me comfortable.” AND I AM OLD ENOUGH NOW TO BE LIKE WOW ORLANDO BLOOM IF I MET YOU AT A PARTY I WOULD LAUGH AT YOU IN MY HEAD ALL NIGHT

and yet it seems i would still bang it like a screen door, what is that 

a-mother-ahem-broadway-show asked: your tags on that lotr-on-set pic are so ridiculously true, I thought this was OVER, it's like he's coming back to haunt us, after all this time, we let him slip from our minds thinking all was well, and my sister was the one with the obssession for god sake! how do I get out orlando I blame your fantastic hair stop this

while i sat there in the hobbit i felt it stir within me; the old hunger, come awake again. “it cannot be,” i whispered to myself in the darkness. “he is not even in this movie. it cannot come back. it will not come back. it has been too long.” 

still, the hunger grew within me, and in my terror i turned to denial, an old and bitter friend. “it is not him,” i told myself, “it is just that i wish to watch lotr again, as i have done many times since the madness ended.” o! what folly! o! what despair! o! if only i had watched literally any other films ever created with the exception of pirates of the caribbean!

it is too late for me now, dear readers; i am lost. as i once was, as i hoped i would never be again, i am consumed by the hunger and at leave of my senses. would that i were fourteen again, and able to justify my embarrassments to myself with the excuse of age! would that orlando bloom were a less ridiculous person, leaving the whole affair at least somewhat less mortifying! but alas, what shall be shall be, and you must go now and save yourselves. you must run, lest you find yourselves, as i have, in this terrible place i once thought long forgot: a sigh in your lungs, a flutter in your heart, and the terrible but nigh-inescapable desire to call him “orly.”