I don’t think you guys understand how much I love Rule-63ed Gandalf. I mean, I seriously cannot remember the last time I found a fantasy novel with a crone who was clever and kind of mean and dragged people along on adventures they didn’t really want to have and stomped around smoking a pipe and then would turn around and be all like “We’re totally boned here, guys, imma set some shit on fire and see if that helps.”
Like, usually you get young, pretty witches who may or may not be super clever, or you get old crone witches who are definitely super clever, but the big thing is that they’re clever. They’re in a tight spot? They clever their way out. Huge problem? Let’s be clever at it until it’s solved. Like, I cannot fucking remember the last time a big-ass lady-sorcerer’s great idea was “We’re gonna hang out around this bend and then stab the everloving shit out of them when they come around the corner.”
And it’s great, because seriously? If you’re a super-clever, super-old, super-powerful witch, and your clever plan gets all fucked up because whatever, it seems like a pretty normal, clever thing to have at least like the option of stabbing a motherfucker to achieve your goals. You know, “Welp, I tried to get us through here without doing this, but that didn’t work, so swords out everybody. We’re gonna have to hand-murder some goblins. Everybody who hasn’t done this before: pointy end goes into the other guy, and don’t aim for the sternum. It’s thick and hard to get through and meanwhile they’re going to be trying to bite you.”
Good morning, the character you want exists and is named Esme Weatherwax
With a side of Nanny Ogg. You’ve got to have Nanny along for the pipe smoking and the advice about how to stab people.
"They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they’re as confused about anatomy as they gen’rally are about everything else, unless they’re talking about instructions on how to stab him, in which case a better way is up and under the ribcage." - Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook.
I have a feeling Gandalf would actually get along better with Nanny Ogg. He and Granny would eye each other like cats that unexpectedly have to share a yard. Two magical practitioners that powerful and ornery could not be comfortable and matey in one another’s presence, whereas Nanny Ogg could be comfortable and matey in deep space or the nethermost circle of the Pit.
'Oh, come on, Esme, he's not bad for a wizard. Tells a good story and shares his baccy.'
'Well, his dress and hat ain't all stars and jommetry, I'll give him that, but what's he up to? He's up to something, mark my words!'
And then he mentions being friendly with elves, and the shit really hits the windmill.
I need this. I need it NOW.
this keeps getting better
SOMEONE PLEASE WRITE IT PLEASE OH PLEASE WITH A SIDE OF PLEASE
this is such a beautiful post that i may weep