not language but a map

writer, reader, eater of bagels. cracking inappropriate jokes to cut tension since 1989.
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#shortcut stories

definitely refrain from crossing the streams.

or, A SHORTCUT STORY ABOUT GHOSTBUSTERS. it was bound to happen eventually; you guys know what i’m like. 

so, even before there is a small child running around the place and requiring entertainment, the avengers have an established movie night. steve’s got a lot of pop culture to catch up on, thor’s got even more pop culture to catch up on, jarvis has an inexhaustible supply of shit for them to watch, and everybody else just likes movies (what? there is no cadre of people that dependent on regular real life drama that doesn’t enjoy watching it go down on a screen, THIS IS MY BELIEF AND I AM STICKING TO IT). as a result of this, by the time jaime is old enough to appreciate movies, there are certain films that have already been tabled as options. anything with time travel, for example, tends to make steve uncomfortable but unwilling to admit to said discomfort; bruce hates hitchcock; natasha has Important Film Quality standards; none of them can watch superhero movies without yelling about tactics; and so on and so on. plus there’s the whole star wars thing, because it’s possible the avengers did that for halloween once (steve was luke, tony modified an old iron man into a frankly terrifying vader suit, natasha was han solo, thor was princess leia for reasons of his hair being able to pull that off, bruce was obi-wan and clint, to his life-long combined amusement and irritation, was chewbacca) and equally possible that steve and tony have done some playing out of some of tony’s less-than-subtle han solo obsession, whatever.

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smithsonian shortcut story!

so, i owe blotthis a birthday story (june 3rd kids gotta stick together!) and i promised her a feminist fairytale. there is changed-up cinderella in everybody’s future! but i am sleepy, and she ALSO expressed interest in the story of rhodey and jaime and the smithsonian, and since it is now adopted shortcut ‘verse canon that bucky and rhodey had their first date at the smithsonian air and space museum (atreefullofmonkeys, you amaze me), I FIGURED I MIGHT AS WELL WRITE THAT BEDTIME STORY. 

so! once upon a time there was a little boy called jim rhodes who lived in philadelphia, and every summer, for his birthday, his grandfather would drive him down to washington d.c. and take him to the smithsonian. now, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE SMITHSONIAN, it’s like…not actually one museum? it is in fact many many museums, a cluster of which are centered around the national mall, which is not in fact a mall in the shopping sense of the word, but a large…grass…area….ANYWAY. the smithsonian is a bunch of museums, and research centers, and a zoo. IT’S PRETTY SWEET, NGL. jim rhodes was a serious, studious kid, but even if you’re not a serious, studious kid? the smithsonian is pretty fucking cool. like, there are all these different museums and a lot of them have these really hands on options, and they have incredible stuff, and it’s FUN AND LEARNING COMBINED and look it’s possible i myself was the sort of kid who like, lurked around cleveland’s natural history museum all mad that it wasn’t as cool as the smithsonian one (although it is, actually, still bringing the sweetness really hard) THE POINT OF THIS BEING: jim rhodes went to the smithsonian every year with his grandfather for his birthday, and kept going after his grandfather died, and always popped in when he was on leave, and now goes sometimes as war machine and does programs with them, and WHEN HE RETIRES FROM THE MILITARY HE MAY WELL END UP WORKING FOR THEM. jim rhodes? has a lot of smithsonian feels.

which is why it’s with mixed feelings that he decides to direct the avengers to take A Family Trip there. very mixed feelings indeed. 

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once upon an amusement park:

RIGHT SO, a couple of people wanted jaime’s first trip to an amusement park. this, naturally, thrilled me, because i am A ROLLER COASTER FANATIC, so without further ado, here is that story!

okay, so when jaime is like ten, he gets slightly obsessed with roller coasters, right? and this is 95% tony’s fault, because upon making the discovery that there are video games that let you like, build your own amusement park, he promptly designed one that would use actual engineering principles to let you design roller coasters and gave it to the kid. as a result, jaime has talked about NOTHING ELSE for like six weeks, and also has designed a number of roller coasters with that video game that made even natasha make a “um, i am pretty sure that is a recipe for disaster” face. 

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okay now who wants some fanfiction?

i’m going to do more shortcut stories! because a) they are not zombies and b) they are not zombies and c) i figure i may as well crank out as many of them as i can while i am again motivated to do them, since, you know, that could end tomorrow. if there’s anything you’ve ever wanted to see steve and tony do with their kid, lemme know in the whatsit down there, and i’ll. er. write some of them? yup. plan. 

once upon a time….

…i decided to write another shortcut story? I DON’T WHY THESE THINGS COME AND GO LIKE THIS, I REALLY DON’T, I KNOW I AM CONFUSING AND UNRELIABLE AT BEST. there could be more! or there could be…no more…i don’t know, these things have been and shall remain “shit i am writing on a whim,” i have no explanation for myself.

(for those of you who weren’t around when these started, er, shortcut stories are these stories about…tony stark and steve rogers and their son jaime, which i write in….stream of consciousness grammar-free fits of typing? you can find the rest of them in the shortcut stories tag :D) 

ANYWAY, ABOUT THIS ONE TIME THE AVENGERS HAD TO TEACH JAIME TO DRIVE: 

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the return of the bedtime story!

SO, ONCE UPON A TIME IN JAIMELAND (last 5 years reference intentional, though no, jaime does not grow up to be THAT jamie): this one time i was gonna write ironfries a birthday bedtime story about jaime and tony and steve and birthday cake, only i got distracted by panini sandwiches. so here, have that story!

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fsdhfdsjf ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES FROM MY FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE YESSSS ugh can we just talk about how much i fucking love this movie, THERE IS SO MUCH HONEST AFFECTION IN THIS MOVIE

actually i feel like the avengers watch this movie with jaime when he’s little, because they can all totally get behind a movie about a family fighting evil and turning out to be a lot bigger than anticipated (although admittedly this backfires slightly when jaime’s favorite dalmatian is dipstick and he is like EVERYONE MUST NOW CALL ME DIPSTICK and tony and steve are both frantically like oh nooo while natasha, clint and bucky all do a really crap job of covering their laughter)