WE ARE NO LONGER ON SPEAKING TERMS
I REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT YOU EXIST
(until next season)
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLIVING FUCK WAS THAT EVEN
true blood i cannot fucking even with you anymore [spoilers, trigger warning for discussion of domestic violence]
1. ERIC AFTER A WHOLE SEASON OF BEING AWESOME WAS “FUCKING SOOKIE” REALLY NECESSARY (I MEAN NOT THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN IRRITATED TOO BUT LIKE, SWEETIE, NO) AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TREATING PAM LIKE SHIT. I AM CHOOSING TO LET THIS GO BECAUSE:
A) THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW ARE CLEARLY ON SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE DRUGS THAT IMPEDE THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD BASIC INTERNAL CHARACTERIZATION JESUS FUCK I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR BILL COMPTON BECAUSE AT LEAST HE IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE, SO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THEY DID THIS RIDICULOUS THING
B) EVERYTHING RELATED TO PAM THIS SEASON HAS MADE NO FUCKING SENSE AND
C) WHEN FACED WITH SOMEONE WHO SAYS “YOU’LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST” YOUR RESPONSE IS TO DRINK HIS HEART LIKE IT IS A JUICEBOX, SO TO ME YOU ARE PERFECTTTTTTTTTTT
2. BILL I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU BY NOW BUT JUST IN CASE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE
3. TRUE BLOOD. TRUE BLOOD. JUST SO WE’RE FUCKING CLEAR? I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH WHO, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN MURDERING WHOSE BROTHER, I DON’T CARE WHO IS A WEREWOLF, SHOWING SOMEONE THROWING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INTO THE WALL IN ANGER BECAUSE THEY WERE CHEATING? THAT IS FUCKING. DOMESTIC. VIOLENCE. IT’S FUCKING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I THINK CRAZY DEBBIE IS CRAZY JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT HUMAN/WEREWOLF/SHIFTER/VAMPIRE/SENTIENT BEING BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY TO CASUALLY DEPICT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A RESPONSE TO CHEATING AS THOUGH IT IS TYPICAL, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A CHARACTER WHO IS NORMALLY DEPICTED AS FAIRLY NONVIOLENT, AS THOUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS JUST A NORMAL RESPONSE TO CHEATING. FUCK. YOU. SO. MUCH.
4. LAYFAYETTE YOU ARE FUCKING FLAWLESS OKAY, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHOSE CHARACTERIZATION IS CONSISTENT AND I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
5. JASON STACKHOUSE. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS, JASON, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, I CAN’T DECIDE IF I WANT TO SMACK YOU OR HUG YOU OR SEND YOU OUT OF TOWN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHY DOES ANYONE STILL LIVE IN THIS TOWN
6. SAM I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I STILL DON’T CARE I’M NOT GONNA CARE I DOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAARE
7. ….SERIOUSLY THOUGH YOU GUYS LIKE A JUICE BOX.
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
ERIC NORTHMAN YOU ARE MY GREATEST LOVE AND MY GREATEST HERO AND MY GREATEST GPOY DFDSFJDSHFKJDSFHSJKFHDJKSFHJSDKF
YOU BIG HOT VIKING KING OF MY SOUL I AM SO SORRY THAT THE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WRITE THIS SHOW SEE IT FIT TO CONTINUE PLAYING UP THE RIDICULOUS BILL/SOOKIE NONSENSE THAT IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HOW COULD ANYONE—YOU—DHFDJSKFHJDKSFHSD YOUR MEMORY CAME BACK AND YOU ARE STILL STRONG ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE HER WITHOUT ANY HESITATION EVEN AFTER SHE’S HIT YOU WITH A BIG HEAVY BRICK OF CRAZYPANTS UNFOUNDED BILL COMPTON FAIL AND THANK GOD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE ALL VULNERABLE? I MISSED YOUR SNARK I MISSED IT HARD AND YOUR LOVE OF PAAAAAAAAM AND I JUST PLEASE EVERYTHING TAKE EVERYTHING ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.
Bill Compton you are not a vampire. You are a cockblockpire, that is all you do, that is all you are, and seriously what the fuck is so difficult for you to understand about the fact that you do not own Sookie’s person and her choices are her own you patronizing sniveling whiny unprofessional horrifying fuck I want you to die I want you to die I want you to dieeeeeeeeee
SOOKIE IT’S ERIC IT’S ALWAYS BEEN ERIC SERIOUSLY OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU WILL SEE THAT BILL COMPTON IS A TOOL HE’S SUCH A TOOL YOU CAN SEE HIS TOOLISHNESS FROM OUTER SPACE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW THE DOCTOR IS FLYING BY IN HIS TARDIS GOING “WOW WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT THERE’S A GIANT TOOL DOWN THERE ON EARTH”
Sam please go away I am sick of you
Crazy Debbie you so crazy
ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.
This week on True Blood, after a refreshing several weeks of Sookie “Yeah That’s Right You Badass, That Was A Good Call And You Should Feel Good About It” Stackhouse, we have a reappearance of Sookie “WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING” Stackhouse!
WHAT SHOULD I DO, thinks Sookie Stackhouse, I fear Eric is being held hostage by witches! Should I tell Bill, upon advising him that he must go look for Eric, that he should try Moon Goddess Emporium? Should I ask to borrow a few of the armed human guards from his ARMY OF ARMED HUMAN GUARDS for the daylight hours, in order to seek Eric out myself? Should I call MY BROTHER THE POLICE OFFICER, ALSO ARMED, and see if he can spare a minute from his guest spot on Medium to help a girl out? Should I enlist the help of literally anyone in town except Crazy Debbie?
NO I KNOW I’LL ASK CRAZY DEBBIE THAT SEEMS LIKE AN EXCELLENT PLAN
Also SOOKIE IF YOU WANT TO KEEP BILL’S EVENT FROM BEING A BIG ‘OL WITCH BLOODBATH MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY PHONING HIM. ON HIS PHONE. JOHN WATSON KNOWS ABOUT PHONING PEOPLE ON THEIR PHONES AND SO SHOULD YOU SOOKIE STACKHOUSE, CALL BILL, CALL THE HOTEL, CALL ANYONE, I KNOW YOU ARE A BRILLIANT INTELLIGENT HOT BITCH IN CHARGE AND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU’RE BEING WRITTEN THIS WAY BUT COME ON OH MY GOD.
Also I swear to god if this show spends one more minute playing up the whole SOOKIE CAN BE IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM LA~ angle I am going to puke or commit acts of violence or COMMIT ACTS OF VIOLENCE WHILE PUKING. Bill Compton is a patronizing controlling manipulative JACKASS who treats Sookie like a child when he’s not treating her like a THING (“Oh Sookie look at my weeping manpain it is so tragic I should never have let you come along because now you are hurt and that affects meeeee, me me me me me me me” SHUT UP BILL COMPTON YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ANYBODY’S LIFE BUT YOUR OWN, FUCK YOU SO MUCH). Eric Northman is a lot of things but he is NOT someone who doesn’t LISTEN TO SOOKIE or LET HER MAKE HER OWN CHOICES and this show was doing so good with the whole HER RECOGNIZING THAT THING and now backpedal backpedal backpedal fjkdslfjdlksfjdsklfs
Also Eric you poor baby I am so sorry, you must be FREAKING OUT inside about that spell she’s got you under, YOU WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOW YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP IN IT AND HFDSKJFHJ, I WILL STILL LOVE YOU STILL NO MATTER WHAT ANTONIA MAKES YOU DOOOOOOOO
In conclusion: Jesus and Lafayette should have their own goddamn show featuring Lafayette saying things like “No problem, bitch” to dead spirits who’ve been all up inside him, because SERIOUSLY HIS CHARACTERIZATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S ON THIS TRAINWRECK OF A SHOW AND NELSAN ELLIS ACTS IT OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK
also eric ilu
also bill i hope you die
also jessica bb you got that nice big house right there, there’s no need to do it in a dirty truckbed whaaaaaat how did that even happennnnn whose idea was thaaaaat YOU WERE ON THE GODDAMN PORCH WHAT THE FUCK DROVE YOU TO GET IN THE TRUCKBED
and finally: SAM MERLOTTE GET OFF MY TELEVISION I JUST DO NOT CARE KTHNXBYE.
Okay, look, here’s the thing: I’m not going to threaten to stop watching you, True Blood, because we all know that as long as Eric is still part of the equation, I’m going to be incapable of missing an episode. I know that, you know that, Alexander Skarsgard knows that—in fact, I’m sure Alexander Skarsgard is sitting somewhere right now, watching tonight’s ep, thinking “Wow, everyone is totally watching this show because of me.” I’m not going to threaten to stop watching you, True Blood, because it would be an empty threat, but we need to talk about what you did tonight, okay? We need to talk about what you did, because it was not cool.
See, True Blood, I’ve hated Bill Compton since season one. In fact, this show could be called Truly Large Amounts of Growing Agonized Hatred For Bill Fucking Compton Who Is A Fuck; that would be a more accurate title, at least for me. He has always been a manipulative, demeaning, misogynistic ass, but what happened tonight? What happened tonight made your show a manipulative, demeaning, misogynistic ass, and I am not down with that shit.
I could have lived with it, you see, if you’d just had Bill Compton whine at Sookie for lying. Considering Bill’s track record with the truth on this show, that is the most hypocritical bullshit ever, but hypocritical bullshit is very in-character for Bill, so fine. I made some faces at him ordering the murder of another vampire for sleeping with a woman who is no longer interested in him like she isn’t capable of making her own fucking decisions, but Sookie called him on that, so, okay, you know what, I can let it go. At least someone said something. Hell, I could even have lived with it when Bill, moments before he’s about to stake Eric, decides to show mercy because Eric just wants Sookie to be happy—it pissed me the fuck off, because a) Really? It was that shit that convinced you to let him go, not the part where he was honestly regretful of crimes he couldn’t remember? And, more importantly, b) REALLY? SOOKIE ASKED YOU TO SPARE HIS LIFE NOT A FUCKING HOUR AGO FOR THE SAKE OF HER HAPPINESS, BUT IT’S THE MAAAAAAAN INDICATING THAT HE’S INTERESTED IN HER HAPPINESS AND PROTECTION THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THIS IS A BAD THING TO DO? REALLY? REALLY, TRUE BLOOD? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY FUCKING STEREOTYPES THAT REINFORCES? WHICH, HEY, ON THIS SHOW, WHERE WOMEN ARE REFERRED AS POSSESSIONS ON A REGULAR BASIS, IS MAYBE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TRY TO DO A LITTLE LESS OF, AND—
But no, you know what, I could have gotten over that too, because it’s a character being an ass and you know what, whatever, fine.
HERE IS WHERE YOU FUCKING LOST ME: do not. Do. Not. Show me sad fucking Bill on his sad fucking porch with his sad fucking nonsensical blood snifter and the sad fucking moon. Poor Bill, with all his love for Sookie, left in the cold harsh night all by his widdle self—no. No. FUCK YOU. Characters that treat women badly and order murders out of jealously and ignore the thoughts and feelings and needs and GENUINE OUTRIGHT REQUESTS of the people they claim to love do not get to have the fucking sympathy violins, okay?
Do not try to make me feel bad for Bill fucking Compton. He does not deserve my goddamn sympathy. Christ.
BILL COMPTON!!! HOW DARE YOU BE SUCH A COCKBLOCKING MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE AT EVERY TURN ALL THE TIME FOREVER OH MY GOD I HATE YOU WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS YOU MOTHERFUCKER WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!? I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED!!! ERIC IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY WITH THE AUTHORITY AND ALSO I FEEL LIKE VOMITING EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR STUPID MOTHERFUCKING FACE, AND IT’S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!!! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE ON MY GODDAMN TELEVISION SCREEN, I WILL COME AND STAKE YOU MY FUCKING SELF!!!!
Oh, and Eric, dear, congratulations on being flawless. Sookie and I are so proud.
REPORT TO THE PANTS
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS
DO NOT PAUSE TO TAKE A LEISURELY DRUNKEN VIKING SEA GOD SWIM
REPORT TO THE FUCKING PANTS