not language but a map

the thrilling adventures of sliced bread and/or manboy:

Or, a scene featuring Scott & Stiles blazing, from one of the like, 10 half-written Teen Wolf fics currently siting on my harddrive that I almost definitely will never finish but may, at some point, put on Ao3. Posted because… wait, do I need an excuse to post Scott & Stiles getting high? 

To Scott, Stiles says, “Did you buy me a burrito?” 

“No, I bought you two burritos,” Scott says cheerfully. “Because I know you, and I bet you haven’t eaten all day.” 

Stiles’ stomach rumbles, because it’s a traitor to the cause of not embarrassing him in front of Scott. “Er.” 

“See, this is why you could never survive in the wilderness without me,” Scott says, rekindling an old argument as he jumps off the counter and presses the bag to Stiles’ chest. “I don’t care if I’d eat the wrong kind of mushrooms, you couldn’t live on nuts and berries because you’d blank on eating nuts and berries. You wanna drink?” 

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[insert husbandry joke of your choice]

nat: hi hi how are you ?
gyzym: i am fine how are youuuu
nat: I am listening to foxes mating
nat: it is hilarious
gyzym: you’re what now
nat: we have a lot of foxes here, I live in the woods
gyzym: that is the single derek hale-est thing you’ve ever said to me
gyzym: and there is SO MUCH COMPETITION
gyzym: “what are you doing, derek?” // “i’m listening to foxes mating.”
nat: omg I’m derek hale
gyzym: i mean we knew that already but like
gyzym: JESUS GOD
gyzym: you really are
gyzym: you know he does that too
gyzym: wanders through the woods
gyzym: listening to the sounds of animals mating
gyzym: and thinking to himself
gyzym: “fools”

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shut up and grill:

nat: oh man, of course the sheriff reverts to bachelorhood as soon as stiles leaves the nest

gyzym: LITERALLY THE MINUTE HE LEFT

nat: YESSS ALL THE HUNGRY MAN MICROWAVE MEALS I CAN EAT

gyzym: I CAN LEAVE BEER CANS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

gyzym: EVERYWHERE DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!

nat: I CAN LEAVE FISHING TACKLE OUT AND STILES WILL NOT STAB HIMSELF ON THE HOOKS

nat: TRULY THIS IS A PARADISE

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runswithnerds asked: Big spoon/little spoon for Stiles/Scott? I'm torn-- for one, Stiles's (well, Dylan's, but whatever) HANDS, okay, have you seen them, so I think he might be the big spoon just because HANDS. But then also Scott's personality is so protective and loyal so I guess I'm happy either way? *chin hands* Tell me of your feelings on this important matter.

SCOTT AND STILES DO NOT SPOON. they sleep curved in and facing each other like closed parentheses, because they do so much talking without talking that they like to be able to see each other’s faces. stiles tucks a leg in between scott’s and scott rests his hand over the only spot on stiles’s side that isn’t ticklish and they whisper to each other in the darkness, even though it’s their apartment and there’s no one to wake up, just because there’s something to be said for it, the borrowed stillness, the sense of anticipation that still swells between them sometimes, like adventure (the good kind) will be waiting for them when they wake up.

WEREWOLVES VS ZOMBIES

on today’s episode of true life: i have so many stories in my head i am never going to have time to write, i’ve actually been thinking about a teen wolf apocalypse story for awhile. SPECIFICALLY, a teen wolf zombie apocalypse story, wherein werewolves are immune to becoming zombies because there’s only so many kinds of undead you can be at a time, and stiles makes derek give him and his dad the bite so that they don’t become the kind of undead that has no control over its brain or its desire to eat the brains of others, just as scott makes derek bite his mom. but sheriff stilinski and mama mccall, once they have become werewolves, start paying attention to pack politics and shit, and there’s this big divide in the hale pack, because stiles, derek, danny, erica and jackson want to essentially build a bunker and wait for it all to blow over, and scott, boyd, lydia (who is immune to zombies too), allison (who was totally trained for zombies—what, you think hunters only fight werewolves?),  and isaac all want to go out and start biting as many people as possible to try to at least preserve some portion of humanity. danny thinks that the intelligent parts of humanity will be preserved anyway, because they’ll know enough to hide until the walking corpses disintegrate; derek and stiles both think that if they risk their necks to save strangers they may well end up getting killed themselves, or getting those strangers killed, because there are now supercells of hunters who won’t distinguish between werewolves and zombies; erica thinks they should wait and see how the next wave of the infection plays out before they wander into it; jackson just doesn’t feel like getting his hands dirty when it’s the least safe option. 

and of course, on the other side of this, there’s scott with his need to protect humankind and his refusal to accept just letting people die as an option, and boyd who keeps insisting that it’s to their advantage to turn as many people while they still can, because what if the only humans who make it through are hunters? what will the new landscape of humanity look like for them if that’s the case? lydia is uncomfortable with the intellectual loss they could prevent, thinks they should hit the universities and research centers first; allison, trained her whole life for this, just really wants to kill some motherfucking zombies; and isaac is really down on the idea of hiding in a bunker when there’s shit to get done, because the fuck if a couple of walking corpses are going to frighten him. peter, naturally, fucked off the minute the zombies turned up, so papa stilinski and mama mccall are the tiebreakers, and they both come down on scott’s side, because they’ve both made lives out of helping others (papa stilinski, in particular, is pretty fucking appalled at stiles’ feelings on this).  

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teen wolf coffee orders!

Scott: Mocha frappucino. Scott does not give a fuck whether people interpret that as “masculine enough” or not; a mocha frappuccino is a gigantic coffee chocolate milkshake covered in whipped cream and, usually, sprinkles, since any coffee place he goes to regularly has established him as a favorite customer and will pull out the stops for him. Why the hell WOULDN’T he order it? (When it’s his mom buying the coffee, he orders whatever the cheapest thing on the menu is and exclaims over it like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. Melissa is not really fooled, but she appreciates the effort.)  

Derek: Black with three creams and four sugars, unless anyone’s watching him order. Then just black. (He’s got a sweet tooth, but he’s trying to pretend otherwise.)

Stiles: Just black, unless anyone’s watching him order. Then he gets whatever random concoction he can come up with, peppermint raspberry mochas and double cinnamon pumpkin spice lattes. (He likes cop coffee, the bitterer the better, but has spent so long lying to his dad about drinking it that it’s become habit with everyone else). 

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Oh, man, DO I EVER HAVE HEADCANONS ABOUT LAURA HALE. DO. I. EVER. 

She was always going to be alpha, and, like many children who grow up groomed for inescapable authority, I think that fact shaped her in ways she didn’t even realize. Before the fire, she took almost nothing seriously—it all seemed like a joke, compared to who she would be someday, compared to the unavoidable truth that she was stronger, sharper, more capable than almost everyone she interacted with outside of her pack. I actually think that’s part of what drew Derek to Kate, if I’m going to be honest; he grew up with Laura, who had this caustic sense of humor, who looked at reality as something to laugh off, who carried herself with the knowledge that she was a cut above her surroundings. So when he met Kate, with that same bitter humor in the twist of her mouth, with the same cutting laugh, with the same tendency to meet the day with the assumption that it was all a joke, it was easier for him to relate to her than it had ever been for him to relate to anyone before. I think that before the fire, Laura made pocket money by driving to Vegas and using a fake ID and her preternatural attractiveness to get a seat at the high-rolling poker tables. She could smell everyone’s bluffs and hear the excited jumps in everyone’s heartbeat, and it was so easy to take them that it was hilarious, the same way everything else was.

I think she lost that, after the fire. It’s harder to look at the world as a joke when the joke is on you. 

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halffizzbin asked: What do you most want for Lydia next season? If someone already asked you about Lydia, same question for Allison :)

MOSTLY I WANT HER TO KILL PETER. Which, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Peter, he is deliciously evil and beautifully conniving and dripping with the trademark Hale sass, I love him as a villain and I love watching him on my TV screen. But I want Lydia to murder his ass so hard he never rises from the dead again. I want Lydia to tear him to tiny vicious pieces, or slowly poison him over a period of several months and smirk as he withers away, or inject him with a lethal dose of wolfsbane, or throw him out of an airplane and shoot him in the back of the head as he falls. I love me some Peter, but everything about that storyline made my skin crawl on Lydia’s behalf, and I want her to Get Hers and ruin him. And I want him to know that it’s her ruining him, and I want her to know he knows and love it. REVENGE, that’s what I want for Lydia next season. Revenge and continued flawlessness. 

polytropic-liar asked: This is an awesome meme and I am super excited! So: questions about Allison from Teen Wolf. How do you feel about her upcoming redemption arc? What are some headcanons you have about her? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: Allison/Lydia? :D?

I KNOW, BEST MEME :D 

Okay, so, regarding Allison’s redemption arc: I feel…tentatively hopeful about it? Like, she needs it, because she shot some of her classmates full of arrows in cold blood and that’s super not good behavior, and also I’d just like an Allison arc that actually delves under the surface and, you know, makes sense. But since her DESCENT to the mental place where she could shoot classmates full of arrows in cold blood was underdeveloped and didn’t make a ton of sense (because, I’m sorry, “I’VE GOT A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MY DEAD MOTHER” is one thing, and “I’VE GOT A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MY DEAD MOTHER THAT MY PSYCHOTIC GRANDFATHER IS MANIPULATING” is another thing, but “I’VE GOT A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MY DEAD MOTHER THAT MY PSYCHOTIC GRANDFATHER IS MANIPULATING AND IT’S TURNED ME FROM A FAIRLY NORMAL TEENAGE GIRL TO A COLD-BLOODED ATTEMPTED MURDERER IN UNDER A WEEK” is not something I can swallow without difficulty), I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high. If it’s well-developed and awesome THAT WILL BE AWESOME AND I WILL BE RIVETED. If it’s not well-developed and awesome I will be bummed, but not shocked. 

HEADCANONS: okay, given how we know Allison is adorably sentimental sometimes (that “First date with Scott!” receipt is what sold me on the pairing, tbh), I think the first hobby she attempted before she decided she was bad at it was scrapbooking. She went all out with it, like, stickers and scissors with special edges and the whole thing, but when her parents found out they told her she had to stop, because (unbeknownst to her) they were afraid she might accidentally document something they couldn’t afford to have records of. I think that discouragement made her wary, and I think the assorted other creative things she tried—painting, sketching, poetry—are all things she could have been good at, but she kept stopping before she could really flex her muscles out of fear she’d get a no. I think that fear has dictated a lot of her life, actually; I think part of her hunger to feel powerful is borne of the fact that she’s never really been in charge of her own choices, because even when she was in theory, there was always that other shoe waiting to drop. Kids are smart. Even though Allison didn’t know what her family did until recently, she must have known on some level, growing up, that there was something bigger than her, that mattered more than her, that the people she looked as the ultimate authority answered to. I imagine it shaped a lot of who she is, one way or the other. 

AND ALLISON/LYDIA: YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. FABULOUS COLLEGE-ROOMMATES-TURNED-GIRLFRIENDS ALLISON/LYDIA. SECRETLY-DATING-IN-HIGH-SCHOOL ALLISON/LYDIA. ADULT-NEXT-DOOR-NEIGHBORS ALLISON/LYDIA. MMA FIGHTERS ALLISON/LYDIA!! ALL THE ALLISON/LYDIA FOREVER <3 

rubykatewriting:

queenitsy:

rubykatewriting:

roseandthebeast:

trensu:

swingsetindecember:

and then i thought, what if they all worked in retail. omg derek would be throwing people over display cases and leaping over counters. scott would have the best sales. jackson would be that retail worker that glares at you for daring to enter their store. stiles would just be knocking over things. allison working in her mother’s boutique. lydia being the perfect shop girl. danny the helpful guy at best buy. or the hot clerk at macy’s. erica just viciously folding shirts. boyd dreading talking to customers. isaac’s there to win. win at all the commissions to make scott notice him. matt being that creepy guy who doesn’t let you shop in peace. and then jen remembered she doesn’t know anything about retail because she only worked at home depot and museums then interned for engineering companies.

AWESOMELY ACCURATE. 

I would love to push for Derek working at a Starbucks/coffee kiosk, because we really are awful bitter people. rubykatewriting will back me up on this. he would hate everyone and everything, but there’s a startlingly zen rhythm to pulling out espresso shots, mixing the drinks, stocking the shelves - even if dealing with people is kind of the horrible, huge down side to it.

Jackson works at Abercrombie and Fitch, of course; he comes out every day smelling like fake tan and that goddawful cologne.

Boyd is the guy who works at the weird locally owned store in the mall, because it doesn’t get a lot of customers, just the regulars - you know the one. The local record store, or the pot paraphernalia, or the stuff full of organic locally sourced candles. or is that just around here. I said local a lot. local.

I totally love Isaac and Scott working at the same store. Isaac can be the new guy that Scott is training, and Isaac seems minorly incompetent because really, he’s got such a ridiculous crush on Scott that he’s constantly dropping things and paying attention to Scott’s hands instead of what he’s actually punching in on the cash register. 

Erica would fold shirts so viciously, so perfect that even though she intimidates the hell out of customers they could never fire her because they’d need three other girls just to handle the stock. Allison is like, Erica, yo, try using a smile once in a while, and Erica just shrugs because she’s got low-cut shirts, those totally work better.

Seriously, y’all is true. Don’t fuck with your baristas. Just don’t. We’re stressed, highly caffeinated, and we will purposely fuck with your drink and do so in a way that you won’t know it but WE’LL KNOW IT.

And thus victory.

Derek would totally be that barista, and you know what, he’d be that barista you’d ask for even when he gave you the scowl and treated you like the entitled little brat you are when you order your half-caff, ONE PERCENT latte with two pumps of caramel heated to EXACTLY 160 degrees because it would be like angels were touching your face and God himself had come down to say, “Bro, what’s up? Great coffee, right?”

Because Derek doesn’t fuck around with his espresso shots.

Derek would make SERIOUS tips, no matter how much he growled at customers, and he’d be too intimidating for people to ask for their drinks to be remade. But he’d also be the guy who remembers the regulars and starts making their drinks before they even get to the register.

If we’re porting Teen Wolf kids into jobs we’ve done, then MOVIE THEATER OMG. Isaac and Scott. Generally speaking, Scott either works at the box office or the concessions stand - he’s friendly and smiley and never really TRIES but always manages to upsell everything. Isaac, meanwhile, is a little too surly for customer interaction (and ught, everyone hates working box/concessions because customers are the WORST, like yes, WE KNOW THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE, it isn’t really our decision - wait, where was I?). He rips tickets/cleans theaters, which is actually one of the better jobs. You can avoid managers pretty easily, duck into movies during the down times when nothing is emptying out and needing to be cleaned, and you never have to talk to customers. Plus, during those down times, you can pretty much hang out at the concessions stand (as long as you keep a broom in hand so you look busy) and chat with the concessions workers. In other words: between films getting out, Isaac can hang out and attempt to flirt with Scott.

And Finstock can be the crazy projectionist who none of them ever really see, they just hear him cursing and can smell that he’s been smoking up between starting films. And when he does overnight pre-screenings to check the film reels and make sure they’re all functioning so the movie can open the next day, Scott and Isaac invite everyone to come with them and see the movie early and free.

………..sorry, I’ll leave your post alone now.

Derek would get tips like we got tips on music nights, which is to say a lot, and no matter how shitty the singer/band, we never cared. We’d just lurk in the backroom and mock mock mock amongst each other and then laugh on the way out with like triple our normal tip cut.

And on the list of things I need immediately: this Teen Wolf/movie theater AU. I mean, they have a BAR in my theater now. CAN YOU NOT SEE DEREK WORKING THERE.

oh god, GOING ALONG WITH THE RETAIL JOBS WE HAVE OURSELVES WORKED GAME, stiles is toooootally a cashier at the local grocery store. it’s great, because it’s active (new people coming through every second, biz to run back when the lines are slow, the mindless but at least mildly satisfying act of scanning everything, even the shit with the barcodes TUCKED IN BETWEEN TWO FOLDED CORNERS or PRINTED ON A STICKER THAT SOMEONE STUCK ON ALL RUMPLED or GODDAMN HIDDEN IN THE WEIRDEST GODDAMN SPOT POSSIBLE GODDAMN) but it’s not TOO active (like the terrible three weeks he spent working at j.crew over winter break last year, where he, yeah, totally knocked over more displays than he put up). he gets into a pretty good rhythm with it, chatting with locals who know his dad and making weird faces at the kids who come through sitting in the carts. when he gets the kind of asshole who demands paper bags inside of plastic ones, he puts their eggs on the bottom and stacks everything else on top of them, and he has learned to listen for the faint but exhilarating crunch. when he gets the kind of asshole who gives him intense instructions on how to pack their groceries correctly, he makes vicious, unbroken eye contact with them while ripping leaves off their lettuce heads inside the bag. he has memorized every PLU code, either impressing his coworkers (the ones who aren’t fellow high school students) or making them jealous (the ones that ARE fellow high school students), and he gets a bizarre amount of joy out of it every time someone comes through his line with bok choy, because there’s something pretty satisfying about punching in the code 4545. also, he has learned, through careful observation and concentrated study, that every fucking person alive seems to buy bananas. 

(via 1001-cranes)