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TRUE BLOOD: THE ONLY SHOW ON TELEVISION THAT BRAKES FOR CANONICAL VAMPIRE INCEST

previously on true blood: jason got some sweet, sweet vampire ass; jessica got some pretty-but-less-than-brilliant (i love you jason but oh my god) human ass; hoyt got diddly-squat and, also, angry; bill got crowned king and everybody could hear my screams of horror all the way from cleveland; eric’s memory got wiped and he spent a whole season being adorable puppy memory-vanished!eric; THEY KILLED JESUS; witches; witches; more witches; tragic pam leaving a trail of body parts like hansel and gretel gone badly awry; blah blah blah sam is the most boring character on this show blah blah werewolves blah; APPARENTLY WE’VE DECIDED TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE WEREPANTHER!JASON BUSINESS; terry and arlene will always be more interesting than sam; oh right that whole possessed baby storyline, what the hell even is this show; sookie being all “no i cannot love either of you” which is hilar since obviously bill is the worst; murder murder vampire politics murder; sookie shot crazy debbie; aaaand they tried to convince us they were killing off tara, which i did not believe they would really do to such a degree that i actually FORGOT until it showed up in “previously on true blood” and allowed me to repeat the experience of thinking “lol please, it is a staple of this show that tara cannot escape this horrifying place, EVEN DEATH WOULD NOT RELEASE HER, come on guys, this isn’t season two anymore.”

WHICH BRINGS US RIGHT ON UP TO CANONICAL VAMPIRE INCEST, OH I’M SORRY, WAS THAT NOT THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS EPISODE? 

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Anonymous asked: Pardon me for interrupting, but I've been meaning to ask--I know what you think of Eric and Bill (and I agree on both fronts), but what about Sookie?

I think Sookie is a tremendously powerful woman with an incredible capacity for love and friendship despite having grown up being shunned and treated as a freak for her abilities and suffering a ridiculous amount of tragedy in her adult life (but managing to survive every time), who could be one of my favorite character of all time if only the stupid fucking writers of this goddamn fucking show didn’t keep using her to further hideously sexist narratives and jumping around on her characterization every goddamn week

sleepinnude:

gyzym:

sleepinnude replied to your post: BE ADVISED: SERIOUS TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS BELOW

we’re gonna have to wait for easter though and sookie’s going to have to poke a finger in his wound or some shit aren’t we?

obvs. and then alan ball is going to be somewhere going oooh look at me i am so ~subtle~ and i am going to TEAR OUT ALL OF MY HAIR IN RAGE OH MY GOD CHAYYA FUCK THIS SHOW SO MUCH

DO YOU GET IT GUYS? DO YOU? DO YOU GET IT? HUH? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? :D BECAUSE HE’S JESUS. GET IT? YOU SAY IT LIKE HAY-ZOOS BUT HE’S TOTALLY JESUS. SEE? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
:D
WHEN DO I GET MY NEXT SHOW?

i’m srsly going to have to train myself to just tune out until i see either eric, lafayette, jesus, or tara on screen. 

and sometimes jason, jason is to true blood as “y” is to vowels

(via pammybuchanny)

sleepinnude replied to your post: BE ADVISED: SERIOUS TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS BELOW

we’re gonna have to wait for easter though and sookie’s going to have to poke a finger in his wound or some shit aren’t we?

obvs. and then alan ball is going to be somewhere going oooh look at me i am so ~subtle~ and i am going to TEAR OUT ALL OF MY HAIR IN RAGE OH MY GOD CHAYYA FUCK THIS SHOW SO MUCH

BE ADVISED: SERIOUS TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS BELOW

gimlets replied to your post: TRUE BLOOD: THE “KILL EVERYONE CHAYYA EVEN CARES ABOUT (BARRING, LIKE, ERIC AND LAFAYETTE AND SOMETIMES JASON)” EDITION

i’m so sad about jesus i can’t even

i am too BUT the heavy handed religious allegory in this show is so heavy handed that, especially with the point the show was quick to make about lafayette being a medium, i cannot IMAGINE they’re going to pass up the opportunity to bring jesus back from the dead

ALTERNATE NAMES FOR TRUE BLOOD:

TRUE MISTAKES SOOKIE MAKES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON OTHER THAN ATROCIOUS WRITING

TRUE, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ERIC NORTHMAN

TRUE DOUCHEBAG: THE BILL COMPTON STORY

TRULY TERRIBLE TOURISM CAMPAIGNS FOR BON TEMPS LOUISIANA

TRUE EMOTIONAL DISASTER EVERY GODDAMN SEASON

TRULY HEAVY-HANDED RELIGIOUS ALLEGORY THAT STOPPED BEING WELL DONE OR COMPELLING AFTER SEASON ONE

SHUT THE FUCK UP SAM 

TRUE CRAP WRITERS

TRUE BLOOD WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE

WE ARE NO LONGER ON SPEAKING TERMS 

I REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT YOU EXIST

(until next season) 

BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLIVING FUCK WAS THAT EVEN

no wait i’m still thinking about it and

seriously

why does anyone still live in Bon Temps 

true blood i cannot fucking even with you anymore [spoilers, trigger warning for discussion of domestic violence]

1. ERIC AFTER A WHOLE SEASON OF BEING AWESOME WAS “FUCKING SOOKIE” REALLY NECESSARY (I MEAN NOT THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN IRRITATED TOO BUT LIKE, SWEETIE, NO) AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TREATING PAM LIKE SHIT. I AM CHOOSING TO LET THIS GO BECAUSE:

A) THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW ARE CLEARLY ON SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE DRUGS THAT IMPEDE THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD BASIC INTERNAL CHARACTERIZATION JESUS FUCK I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR BILL COMPTON BECAUSE AT LEAST HE IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE, SO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THEY DID THIS RIDICULOUS THING

B) EVERYTHING RELATED TO PAM THIS SEASON HAS MADE NO FUCKING SENSE AND

C) WHEN FACED WITH SOMEONE WHO SAYS “YOU’LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST” YOUR RESPONSE IS TO DRINK HIS HEART LIKE IT IS A JUICEBOX, SO TO ME YOU ARE PERFECTTTTTTTTTTT

2. BILL I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU BY NOW BUT JUST IN CASE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE

3. TRUE BLOOD. TRUE BLOOD. JUST SO WE’RE FUCKING CLEAR? I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH WHO, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN MURDERING WHOSE BROTHER, I DON’T CARE WHO IS A WEREWOLF, SHOWING SOMEONE THROWING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INTO THE WALL IN ANGER BECAUSE THEY WERE CHEATING? THAT IS FUCKING. DOMESTIC. VIOLENCE. IT’S FUCKING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I THINK CRAZY DEBBIE IS CRAZY JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT HUMAN/WEREWOLF/SHIFTER/VAMPIRE/SENTIENT BEING BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY TO CASUALLY DEPICT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A RESPONSE TO CHEATING AS THOUGH IT IS TYPICAL, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A CHARACTER WHO IS NORMALLY DEPICTED AS FAIRLY NONVIOLENT, AS THOUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS JUST A NORMAL RESPONSE TO CHEATING. FUCK. YOU. SO. MUCH. 

4. LAYFAYETTE YOU ARE FUCKING FLAWLESS OKAY, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHOSE CHARACTERIZATION IS CONSISTENT AND I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

5. JASON STACKHOUSE. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS, JASON, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, I CAN’T DECIDE IF I WANT TO SMACK YOU OR HUG YOU OR SEND YOU OUT OF TOWN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHY DOES ANYONE STILL LIVE IN THIS TOWN

6. SAM I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I STILL DON’T CARE I’M NOT GONNA CARE I DOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAARE

7. ….SERIOUSLY THOUGH YOU GUYS LIKE A JUICE BOX. 

EVERYTHING ELSE EVER PUT BRIEFLY ON HOLD WHILST I FREAK OUT [ALLLLLL THE TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS]

LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE

LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE

LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE

ERIC NORTHMAN YOU ARE MY GREATEST LOVE AND MY GREATEST HERO AND MY GREATEST GPOY DFDSFJDSHFKJDSFHSJKFHDJKSFHJSDKF 

YOU BIG HOT VIKING KING OF MY SOUL I AM SO SORRY THAT THE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WRITE THIS SHOW SEE IT FIT TO CONTINUE PLAYING UP THE RIDICULOUS BILL/SOOKIE NONSENSE THAT IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HOW COULD ANYONE—YOU—DHFDJSKFHJDKSFHSD YOUR MEMORY CAME BACK AND YOU ARE STILL STRONG ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE HER WITHOUT ANY HESITATION EVEN AFTER SHE’S HIT YOU WITH A BIG HEAVY BRICK OF CRAZYPANTS UNFOUNDED BILL COMPTON FAIL AND THANK GOD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE ALL VULNERABLE? I MISSED YOUR SNARK I MISSED IT HARD AND YOUR LOVE OF PAAAAAAAAM AND I JUST PLEASE EVERYTHING TAKE EVERYTHING ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.

Bill Compton you are not a vampire. You are a cockblockpire, that is all you do, that is all you are, and seriously what the fuck is so difficult for you to understand about the fact that you do not own Sookie’s person and her choices are her own you patronizing sniveling whiny unprofessional horrifying fuck I want you to die I want you to die I want you to dieeeeeeeeee

SOOKIE IT’S ERIC IT’S ALWAYS BEEN ERIC SERIOUSLY OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU WILL SEE THAT BILL COMPTON IS A TOOL HE’S SUCH A TOOL YOU CAN SEE HIS TOOLISHNESS FROM OUTER SPACE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW THE DOCTOR IS FLYING BY IN HIS TARDIS GOING “WOW WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT THERE’S A GIANT TOOL DOWN THERE ON EARTH” 

Sam please go away I am sick of you

Crazy Debbie you so crazy

ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.