This week on True Blood, after a refreshing several weeks of Sookie “Yeah That’s Right You Badass, That Was A Good Call And You Should Feel Good About It” Stackhouse, we have a reappearance of Sookie “WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING” Stackhouse!
WHAT SHOULD I DO, thinks Sookie Stackhouse, I fear Eric is being held hostage by witches! Should I tell Bill, upon advising him that he must go look for Eric, that he should try Moon Goddess Emporium? Should I ask to borrow a few of the armed human guards from his ARMY OF ARMED HUMAN GUARDS for the daylight hours, in order to seek Eric out myself? Should I call MY BROTHER THE POLICE OFFICER, ALSO ARMED, and see if he can spare a minute from his guest spot on Medium to help a girl out? Should I enlist the help of literally anyone in town except Crazy Debbie?
NO I KNOW I’LL ASK CRAZY DEBBIE THAT SEEMS LIKE AN EXCELLENT PLAN
Also SOOKIE IF YOU WANT TO KEEP BILL’S EVENT FROM BEING A BIG ‘OL WITCH BLOODBATH MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY PHONING HIM. ON HIS PHONE. JOHN WATSON KNOWS ABOUT PHONING PEOPLE ON THEIR PHONES AND SO SHOULD YOU SOOKIE STACKHOUSE, CALL BILL, CALL THE HOTEL, CALL ANYONE, I KNOW YOU ARE A BRILLIANT INTELLIGENT HOT BITCH IN CHARGE AND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU’RE BEING WRITTEN THIS WAY BUT COME ON OH MY GOD.
Also I swear to god if this show spends one more minute playing up the whole SOOKIE CAN BE IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM LA~ angle I am going to puke or commit acts of violence or COMMIT ACTS OF VIOLENCE WHILE PUKING. Bill Compton is a patronizing controlling manipulative JACKASS who treats Sookie like a child when he’s not treating her like a THING (“Oh Sookie look at my weeping manpain it is so tragic I should never have let you come along because now you are hurt and that affects meeeee, me me me me me me me” SHUT UP BILL COMPTON YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ANYBODY’S LIFE BUT YOUR OWN, FUCK YOU SO MUCH). Eric Northman is a lot of things but he is NOT someone who doesn’t LISTEN TO SOOKIE or LET HER MAKE HER OWN CHOICES and this show was doing so good with the whole HER RECOGNIZING THAT THING and now backpedal backpedal backpedal fjkdslfjdlksfjdsklfs
Also Eric you poor baby I am so sorry, you must be FREAKING OUT inside about that spell she’s got you under, YOU WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOW YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP IN IT AND HFDSKJFHJ, I WILL STILL LOVE YOU STILL NO MATTER WHAT ANTONIA MAKES YOU DOOOOOOOO
In conclusion: Jesus and Lafayette should have their own goddamn show featuring Lafayette saying things like “No problem, bitch” to dead spirits who’ve been all up inside him, because SERIOUSLY HIS CHARACTERIZATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S ON THIS TRAINWRECK OF A SHOW AND NELSAN ELLIS ACTS IT OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK
also eric ilu
also bill i hope you die
also jessica bb you got that nice big house right there, there’s no need to do it in a dirty truckbed whaaaaaat how did that even happennnnn whose idea was thaaaaat YOU WERE ON THE GODDAMN PORCH WHAT THE FUCK DROVE YOU TO GET IN THE TRUCKBED
and finally: SAM MERLOTTE GET OFF MY TELEVISION I JUST DO NOT CARE KTHNXBYE.