on a true blood-related note, because i am now at least over it enough to mention this cruel twist of fate:
you guys, i created the “eric northman for god king of louisiana,” which is still my favorite of all my tags despite everything, BEFORE BILL WAS MADE EITHER A KING OR A GOD
and i cannot help but feel as though i tempted fate
i cannot help but feel as though i brought this on myself
WHY, TRUE BLOOD, WHY
previously on true blood: jason got some sweet, sweet vampire ass; jessica got some pretty-but-less-than-brilliant (i love you jason but oh my god) human ass; hoyt got diddly-squat and, also, angry; bill got crowned king and everybody could hear my screams of horror all the way from cleveland; eric’s memory got wiped and he spent a whole season being adorable puppy memory-vanished!eric; THEY KILLED JESUS; witches; witches; more witches; tragic pam leaving a trail of body parts like hansel and gretel gone badly awry; blah blah blah sam is the most boring character on this show blah blah werewolves blah; APPARENTLY WE’VE DECIDED TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE WEREPANTHER!JASON BUSINESS; terry and arlene will always be more interesting than sam; oh right that whole possessed baby storyline, what the hell even is this show; sookie being all “no i cannot love either of you” which is hilar since obviously bill is the worst; murder murder vampire politics murder; sookie shot crazy debbie; aaaand they tried to convince us they were killing off tara, which i did not believe they would really do to such a degree that i actually FORGOT until it showed up in “previously on true blood” and allowed me to repeat the experience of thinking “lol please, it is a staple of this show that tara cannot escape this horrifying place, EVEN DEATH WOULD NOT RELEASE HER, come on guys, this isn’t season two anymore.”
WHICH BRINGS US RIGHT ON UP TO CANONICAL VAMPIRE INCEST, OH I’M SORRY, WAS THAT NOT THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS EPISODE?
sleepinnude replied to your post: BE ADVISED: SERIOUS TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS BELOW
we’re gonna have to wait for easter though and sookie’s going to have to poke a finger in his wound or some shit aren’t we?obvs. and then alan ball is going to be somewhere going oooh look at me i am so ~subtle~ and i am going to TEAR OUT ALL OF MY HAIR IN RAGE OH MY GOD CHAYYA FUCK THIS SHOW SO MUCH
DO YOU GET IT GUYS? DO YOU? DO YOU GET IT? HUH? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? :D BECAUSE HE’S JESUS. GET IT? YOU SAY IT LIKE HAY-ZOOS BUT HE’S TOTALLY JESUS. SEE? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
:D
WHEN DO I GET MY NEXT SHOW?i’m srsly going to have to train myself to just tune out until i see either eric, lafayette, jesus, or tara on screen.
and sometimes jason, jason is to true blood as “y” is to vowels
(via pammybuchanny)
sleepinnude replied to your post: BE ADVISED: SERIOUS TRUE BLOOD SPOILERS BELOW
we’re gonna have to wait for easter though and sookie’s going to have to poke a finger in his wound or some shit aren’t we?
obvs. and then alan ball is going to be somewhere going oooh look at me i am so ~subtle~ and i am going to TEAR OUT ALL OF MY HAIR IN RAGE OH MY GOD CHAYYA FUCK THIS SHOW SO MUCH
gimlets replied to your post: TRUE BLOOD: THE “KILL EVERYONE CHAYYA EVEN CARES ABOUT (BARRING, LIKE, ERIC AND LAFAYETTE AND SOMETIMES JASON)” EDITION
i’m so sad about jesus i can’t even
i am too BUT the heavy handed religious allegory in this show is so heavy handed that, especially with the point the show was quick to make about lafayette being a medium, i cannot IMAGINE they’re going to pass up the opportunity to bring jesus back from the dead
TRUE MISTAKES SOOKIE MAKES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON OTHER THAN ATROCIOUS WRITING
TRUE, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ERIC NORTHMAN
TRUE DOUCHEBAG: THE BILL COMPTON STORY
TRULY TERRIBLE TOURISM CAMPAIGNS FOR BON TEMPS LOUISIANA
TRUE EMOTIONAL DISASTER EVERY GODDAMN SEASON
TRULY HEAVY-HANDED RELIGIOUS ALLEGORY THAT STOPPED BEING WELL DONE OR COMPELLING AFTER SEASON ONE
SHUT THE FUCK UP SAM
TRUE CRAP WRITERS
WE ARE NO LONGER ON SPEAKING TERMS
I REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT YOU EXIST
(until next season)
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLIVING FUCK WAS THAT EVEN
1. ERIC AFTER A WHOLE SEASON OF BEING AWESOME WAS “FUCKING SOOKIE” REALLY NECESSARY (I MEAN NOT THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN IRRITATED TOO BUT LIKE, SWEETIE, NO) AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TREATING PAM LIKE SHIT. I AM CHOOSING TO LET THIS GO BECAUSE:
A) THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW ARE CLEARLY ON SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE DRUGS THAT IMPEDE THEIR ABILITY TO HOLD BASIC INTERNAL CHARACTERIZATION JESUS FUCK I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR BILL COMPTON BECAUSE AT LEAST HE IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE, SO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THEY DID THIS RIDICULOUS THING
B) EVERYTHING RELATED TO PAM THIS SEASON HAS MADE NO FUCKING SENSE AND
C) WHEN FACED WITH SOMEONE WHO SAYS “YOU’LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST” YOUR RESPONSE IS TO DRINK HIS HEART LIKE IT IS A JUICEBOX, SO TO ME YOU ARE PERFECTTTTTTTTTTT
2. BILL I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU BY NOW BUT JUST IN CASE DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE
3. TRUE BLOOD. TRUE BLOOD. JUST SO WE’RE FUCKING CLEAR? I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH WHO, I DON’T CARE WHO HAS BEEN MURDERING WHOSE BROTHER, I DON’T CARE WHO IS A WEREWOLF, SHOWING SOMEONE THROWING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INTO THE WALL IN ANGER BECAUSE THEY WERE CHEATING? THAT IS FUCKING. DOMESTIC. VIOLENCE. IT’S FUCKING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I THINK CRAZY DEBBIE IS CRAZY JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT HUMAN/WEREWOLF/SHIFTER/VAMPIRE/SENTIENT BEING BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY TO CASUALLY DEPICT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A RESPONSE TO CHEATING AS THOUGH IT IS TYPICAL, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A CHARACTER WHO IS NORMALLY DEPICTED AS FAIRLY NONVIOLENT, AS THOUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS JUST A NORMAL RESPONSE TO CHEATING. FUCK. YOU. SO. MUCH.
4. LAYFAYETTE YOU ARE FUCKING FLAWLESS OKAY, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHOSE CHARACTERIZATION IS CONSISTENT AND I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
5. JASON STACKHOUSE. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS, JASON, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, I CAN’T DECIDE IF I WANT TO SMACK YOU OR HUG YOU OR SEND YOU OUT OF TOWN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHY DOES ANYONE STILL LIVE IN THIS TOWN
6. SAM I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE I STILL DON’T CARE I’M NOT GONNA CARE I DOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAARE
7. ….SERIOUSLY THOUGH YOU GUYS LIKE A JUICE BOX.
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
LOVEABLE, ISN’T HE
ERIC NORTHMAN YOU ARE MY GREATEST LOVE AND MY GREATEST HERO AND MY GREATEST GPOY DFDSFJDSHFKJDSFHSJKFHDJKSFHJSDKF
YOU BIG HOT VIKING KING OF MY SOUL I AM SO SORRY THAT THE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WRITE THIS SHOW SEE IT FIT TO CONTINUE PLAYING UP THE RIDICULOUS BILL/SOOKIE NONSENSE THAT IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HOW COULD ANYONE—YOU—DHFDJSKFHJDKSFHSD YOUR MEMORY CAME BACK AND YOU ARE STILL STRONG ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE HER WITHOUT ANY HESITATION EVEN AFTER SHE’S HIT YOU WITH A BIG HEAVY BRICK OF CRAZYPANTS UNFOUNDED BILL COMPTON FAIL AND THANK GOD BECAUSE SERIOUSLY AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE ALL VULNERABLE? I MISSED YOUR SNARK I MISSED IT HARD AND YOUR LOVE OF PAAAAAAAAM AND I JUST PLEASE EVERYTHING TAKE EVERYTHING ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.
Bill Compton you are not a vampire. You are a cockblockpire, that is all you do, that is all you are, and seriously what the fuck is so difficult for you to understand about the fact that you do not own Sookie’s person and her choices are her own you patronizing sniveling whiny unprofessional horrifying fuck I want you to die I want you to die I want you to dieeeeeeeeee
SOOKIE IT’S ERIC IT’S ALWAYS BEEN ERIC SERIOUSLY OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU WILL SEE THAT BILL COMPTON IS A TOOL HE’S SUCH A TOOL YOU CAN SEE HIS TOOLISHNESS FROM OUTER SPACE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW THE DOCTOR IS FLYING BY IN HIS TARDIS GOING “WOW WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT THERE’S A GIANT TOOL DOWN THERE ON EARTH”
Sam please go away I am sick of you
Crazy Debbie you so crazy
ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC.
This week on True Blood, after a refreshing several weeks of Sookie “Yeah That’s Right You Badass, That Was A Good Call And You Should Feel Good About It” Stackhouse, we have a reappearance of Sookie “WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING” Stackhouse!
WHAT SHOULD I DO, thinks Sookie Stackhouse, I fear Eric is being held hostage by witches! Should I tell Bill, upon advising him that he must go look for Eric, that he should try Moon Goddess Emporium? Should I ask to borrow a few of the armed human guards from his ARMY OF ARMED HUMAN GUARDS for the daylight hours, in order to seek Eric out myself? Should I call MY BROTHER THE POLICE OFFICER, ALSO ARMED, and see if he can spare a minute from his guest spot on Medium to help a girl out? Should I enlist the help of literally anyone in town except Crazy Debbie?
NO I KNOW I’LL ASK CRAZY DEBBIE THAT SEEMS LIKE AN EXCELLENT PLAN
Also SOOKIE IF YOU WANT TO KEEP BILL’S EVENT FROM BEING A BIG ‘OL WITCH BLOODBATH MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY PHONING HIM. ON HIS PHONE. JOHN WATSON KNOWS ABOUT PHONING PEOPLE ON THEIR PHONES AND SO SHOULD YOU SOOKIE STACKHOUSE, CALL BILL, CALL THE HOTEL, CALL ANYONE, I KNOW YOU ARE A BRILLIANT INTELLIGENT HOT BITCH IN CHARGE AND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU’RE BEING WRITTEN THIS WAY BUT COME ON OH MY GOD.
Also I swear to god if this show spends one more minute playing up the whole SOOKIE CAN BE IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM LA~ angle I am going to puke or commit acts of violence or COMMIT ACTS OF VIOLENCE WHILE PUKING. Bill Compton is a patronizing controlling manipulative JACKASS who treats Sookie like a child when he’s not treating her like a THING (“Oh Sookie look at my weeping manpain it is so tragic I should never have let you come along because now you are hurt and that affects meeeee, me me me me me me me” SHUT UP BILL COMPTON YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ANYBODY’S LIFE BUT YOUR OWN, FUCK YOU SO MUCH). Eric Northman is a lot of things but he is NOT someone who doesn’t LISTEN TO SOOKIE or LET HER MAKE HER OWN CHOICES and this show was doing so good with the whole HER RECOGNIZING THAT THING and now backpedal backpedal backpedal fjkdslfjdlksfjdsklfs
Also Eric you poor baby I am so sorry, you must be FREAKING OUT inside about that spell she’s got you under, YOU WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOW YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP IN IT AND HFDSKJFHJ, I WILL STILL LOVE YOU STILL NO MATTER WHAT ANTONIA MAKES YOU DOOOOOOOO
In conclusion: Jesus and Lafayette should have their own goddamn show featuring Lafayette saying things like “No problem, bitch” to dead spirits who’ve been all up inside him, because SERIOUSLY HIS CHARACTERIZATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S ON THIS TRAINWRECK OF A SHOW AND NELSAN ELLIS ACTS IT OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK
also eric ilu
also bill i hope you die
also jessica bb you got that nice big house right there, there’s no need to do it in a dirty truckbed whaaaaaat how did that even happennnnn whose idea was thaaaaat YOU WERE ON THE GODDAMN PORCH WHAT THE FUCK DROVE YOU TO GET IN THE TRUCKBED
and finally: SAM MERLOTTE GET OFF MY TELEVISION I JUST DO NOT CARE KTHNXBYE.
The truth is, I'll probably be rumbling and stumbling for the rest of my days, rocking to voicemail while the chaos around me rages on. It's nothing compared to to chaos within me, after all--I write stories.
And, look, I'm quite out of my mind, actually, but people tend to find me amusing? I can't imagine why, unless it's morbid fascination.
‘It’s all got a bit… metaphysical, sarge.’
i was wondering why this was so disconcerting and now i know. for like half a...
Its face
