Because nothing says “recovery and healing” like vengeful hate, rage and bitterness.
The description of “surviving” this gives is just another form of victimhood. One in which the “survivor” continues to be eaten up inside and internalizes the abuse in a way that hollows them out and imprisons them for life unless they can let it go.
Don’t mistake anger for healing, and please do not interpret bitterness and rage as strength. It’s just another form of living death, and letting the abuser “win.”
The abused can only TRULY live when they reach a place of forgiveness and compassion: when the thought of the person no longer moves them to tears OR anger, but instead mercy.
When you are strong enough to reach out your hand in compassion to your abuser and look them in the eye without fear of being hurt, THEN you can call yourself a survivor. THEN you will have triumphed over darkness and evil.
I’m going to put my response to this under a cut, because it’s absolutely the angriest I have ever been on the internet and y’all following me don’t need to be forced to interact with that! Above the cut, I’d like to offer two things. The first is that I will be refraining from posting anything on either LBD or abuse & related topics for a nice long while, because there’s a healthy level of anger and then there’s what happens when someone I’ve never spoken to informs me that I don’t get to call myself a survivor! Secondly, and more importantly: while I was indeed talking in my original post about a handful of specific methods through which a character on a YouTube show could portray the aftermath of abuse in what I personally think would be a more empowering way, in real life? There a thousand, a hundred thousand, right way to be a survivor, and every one of them revolves around what makes you feel healthy and solid and whole. Don’t let anybody tell you different; so long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, however you get through this shit is just fine. <3
- [SNIPPED TO SAVE YOUR DASHES]
I agree with all of this and just want to add that in addition to these things, I am anti-slut shaming because it contributes to rape culture.
When you say something like, “Well, if you climb Mt. Everest, you have to know there’s a probability of death, and you take on that risk when you choose to make the climb,” there’s some truth to that. Risky behavior is risky.
Slut-shaming, however, says, “Well, if you wear that short skirt, you have to know there’s a probability of rape.” As if somehow, a rapist is as devoid of volition and the ability to choose his or her actions as the confluence of geography and weather that leads to deaths on Everest.
Everest is a force of nature. Rapists…are people.
Real people. Who you might meet on the street. You might shake their hand and think they’re nice people. They have the ability to make choices and decisions all on their own. Slut-shaming takes the choice of rape out of the hands of the rapist and excuses it with, “boys will be boys!” as if we cannot expect anything better out of each other than that. As if a skirt—or a kiss—or whatever fictional thing that someone has done to “invite” whatever it is that happens to them is all you need to trigger the indifferent machinery of violence.
I am anti-slut-shaming because it is part of a culture that excuses rape and abuse and shames and blames the victim.
Also this! My rapist was someone who presented as a nice guy (and who, as it happened, had plenty of opinions about what was and wasn’t appropriate for other people sexually); avoiding contributing to the culture that enabled him and others like him is a huge part of why slut shaming has to stop.
Female privilege is thinking that you can argue with rapists.
“What’s a rapist ? surely not someone with heavy mental problems, it’s more of the casual men who smiles to girls in the streets before looking at their bottoms.
Men are usually raping on Saturday nights, so they can compete on who raped the most defenseless and younger girl. Rape is something that is seen as very manly among mens, someone who never raped is not considered as a real man.”
~The world saw by dumb tumblr feminists
Meanwhile, in the real world, rapists are mentally unstable people, like murderer and pedophiles, who are hated by everyone (from castrating them to killing them) and there is not a single person that would excuse their actions.
You get it, Rapist aren’t a variable that you can handle or even people you can resonate. Which means : “Who is stupid enough to think that telling that rape is bad would affect anything ?”
Female privilege of course !
While the message could focus on something constructive like “how to react with a victim”, female privilege is focusing the message on “Don’t rape” like if the men who are going to listen where okay with rape being an alternative to a date or something seen as a manliness achievement.
And also condemning the “Don’t get raped” message on absurd levels : nobody will disagree that a woman have the right to wear whatever the fuck she wants but saying that a woman shouldn’t take self defense classes because it’s up to the unsociable psyko to learn that mugging/raping/murdering is wrong…is just using the wailing wall technique.
I’m going to say it again : I do NOT see any differences between a rapist and a murderer. Both are dangerous and unpredictable variables in this world and thinking that you can argue with them is bullshit.
And crazy bitches walking around saying that “rape is not okay” is nothing more for me that saying that “killing is not okay”, it’s an argument so dumb that you deserve to be punched in the face.
Okay, someone linked me to this in the hope that I would respond to it, and while I am going to do so at great length, let me be real clear on two things: 1) I removed the photo meme that went with this post originally because it was incomprehensible. If you’d like to view it, please feel free to click through to the original post, maybe the image will make more sense to you than it did to me, and; 2) I really do know better than to try to convince this poster of anything at all. Their entire blog is either hilariously (if upsettingly) incorrect about everything it posts or a very poorly constructed satire, but either way, I possess both fully functioning eyeballs and a working understanding of human beings, and I KNOW there is nothing I could say that would make this blogger change their views. However! As always, I am all about educating and talking honestly about this shit, so what I am in fact doing here is opportunistically using this pile of dreck as a jumping-off board to talk about why these sorts of beliefs are fundamentally flawed. I make no attempts to conceal that, nor am I ashamed of it; if you’re going to post vitriolic incorrect nonsense on the internet, you should be fully prepared for people to use that shit to their own ends. Such is the way of the world.
So, let’s start…well, not quite at the beginning. I’m going to leave your “quote” from “dumb tumblr feminists” until the end, because, again, I am opportunistically educating here, and I feel that part of my response will make for a good closing note. SO:
Meanwhile, in the real world, rapists are mentally unstable people, like murderer and pedophiles
Here’s a fun fact for you: the dude that raped me? Gainfully employed; well-liked; respected by his peers; presents as both an average citizen and a genuinely stand-up guy. Volunteers on the weekends. Once pulled over with me in his car and helped me rescue a lost dog before it got run over. He is not someone who reads as a “mentally unstable person.” He is not someone who reads as a rapist, but I know he is one, because….wait for it…he raped me. Ain’t no better proof than that.
I’ll tell you something else, since it’s probably become pretty clear by this point anyway: dude who raped me? Yeah, I knew him. He was not a terrifying boogeyman emerging from the shadows of a dark alley, appearing for just long enough to fuck me without my consent before vanishing into the night. He was not the dreaded unknown perpetrator lying in wait beneath my car. He was a dude my friends liked, a dude I liked, a dude I would have fucked willingly if he had just, you know, asked me, instead of drugging my drink and taking matters into his own hands over my repeated protests.
This thing you’re talking about, this idea that rapists are these terrifying figures who wander around like zombies, uncontrollable sexual hunger evident in their outstretched hands and pouring forth from their open maws—you’re not the first person to think this. You won’t be the last person to think this. You think this because it is the easy, the comforting thing to think. The idea that all rapists are frightening strangers wandering the streets and beyond control or reason is so much less horrifying than the thought that they are people you hang out with, work with, get drinks with. That they are people you have known all your life. That they are people you stand in line behind while buying coffee or see every year at family gatherings. That they are the fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers (because women rape too, folks) of people you love. That they are people you love. It’s so much easier to think of them as something out a horror movie, because then you don’t have to face the hard truths of rape: that a huge portion of rape victims know their attacker. That a huge portion of rape victims trust their attacker. That a huge portion of rape victims would never have guessed, before they got raped, that their rapist was a rapist.
she’s got knives where her cheekbones should be and hair that’s always dirty, and she offers you a cigarette like your response is predetermined; this is where it starts. you have spent your budding adolescence poking at your rapidly growing breasts and popping zits in the mirror like you will win something if you just leave enough little scars, and she is always looking at someone else. the first drag tastes like death. the second drag, like death. by the third drag you are counting the seconds, one two three inhale, until you can slip into the bathroom tucked safe inside and cough until your lungs give out. you do not cough in front of her. she still
does not look at you twice.
thehobbits-thehobbits-toisengard asked: HAVE A HUG. *hugs*
AWWW, THANK YOU SO MUCH! But I do not need hugs, I promise. For those followers who have shown up recently, sometimes I talk about rape/rape culture/sexual assault stuff and my own experiences therewith, because I am a big believer in HONESTY and OPENNESS and TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF A LOT MORE IN GENERAL. I don’t post anything on the internet that I am not 100% comfortable with people knowing (and, in that same vein, there is some stuff I will probably NEVER POST—I know where my own line is); I’m not ashamed of, defined by, or broken because of what I’ve been through, and I am, I promise, 100% okay. To a certain degree, I make these posts because I feel like the fact that I feel comfortable doing so gives me a responsibility to speak; there are so many survivors out there who don’t feel safe enough to acknowledge their experience. The fact that I do, in this space, feel safe enough to acknowledge mine makes me want to put as much honesty about this often-dishonestly-handled topic out there as I can.
So: thank you for the hug, omg <3 But please never feel obligated to offer hugs when I post about rape/rape culture/assault stuff, because I am fine and good and healthy and do not require them on this, worry not <3 <3 <3
gyzym: IN OTHER NEWS PEOPLE NEED TO STOP POSTING RULE63!DEREK STUFF BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT DEE/D/DEREKA HALE
nat: I CANNOT TAKE THE NAME DEREKA SERIOUSLY BUT DEE HALE
gyzym: WELL NEITHER CAN SHE; THAT’S THE PROBLEM
gyzym: HER PARENTS NAMED HER DEREKA AND SHE HAAAAATES IT
gyzym: SO FOR YEARS SHE’S BEEN GOING BY D
gyzym: LIKE EVEN BEFORE THE FIRE, SHE WENT BY D
gyzym: AND SHE THINKS OF IT AS JUST “D”
gyzym: THE LETTER
gyzym: BUT NO ONE ELSE WILL ACCEPT THAT AS HER NAME
gyzym: SO SHE’S STARTED ADDING THE “EE”
nat: I JUST ALWAYS THINK OF KEITHA FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS
nat: IT’S KEITH BUT WITH AN A ON THE END
gyzym: no but like oh my god nat THINK ABOUT IT
nat: I can so, so see it
gyzym: like, derek’s whole vibe is fuck off, right?
gyzym: IMAGINE DEE HALE
gyzym: HER ENTIRE VIBE
gyzym: WOULD BE FUCK *YOU*